MONOLOGUE MONDAYS - A Guy Who Says He's A Vampire Get's Called A Poseur.

VAMPIRE WANNABE

Yeah fine, believe what you want to believe but I never said vampires couldn't go in the sunlight. I said we don't LIKE the sunlight. It's bad for our skin, I just make that noise and run away from it when we go outside because I just...I hate it that much. It's gross, *HISSSSSSSSSSSSS. This doesn't prove anything! Close those drapes and about that ice cream cone, that doesn't prove anything either. I never said I ONLY drink blood, I said I MOSTLY drink blood. You never see it because obviously I don't do it in front of you, when I am around you I drink beer, I eat cobb salad sometimes and YES I have some Oreos or a half-moon or a muffin at my desk but I drink human blood ALL the time when I am at home. So, you know what...forget about me drinking this blood you got me. Not because I don't love blood, obviously I love blood but I am not going to just drink this to prove a point to you. That's GROSS by the way, bringing me a vial of blood to drink. I said I was hungry for blood as a joke, I didn't think you'd pull some out of your pocket. I already drank a bunch of blood in the bathroom and just didn't tell you. I don't tell you every time I drink someone's blood, so get out of here with these allegations. I told you, I don't feel the need to prove myself. Back in my old town I used to have to turn into a bat all the time for people just to prove that I was a vampire, it was demeaning. That's why you've never seen me do it, I promised myself I'd only turn into a bat when no one's around. So f**k off with this judgement Stephanie! 

-END-

Tom Starts Writing A Romantic Comedy Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...Now.

Well this is a change of pace for me. It's been a while since I've posted and I believe the article directly below this one involves a picture of me having my guts cut out. Correct? Alright, well regardless; I am starting my romantic comedy. I am going to try to write a full length feature script and I'll be plowing through my first draft on this blog. I am not really prepping, and a lot of this will be me just winging it on the fly so I am not going to worry about character descriptions or synopsis just yet. These characters are however you envision them in your head as you read this. Let go. 

NARRATOR/ANDY: We had only been dating for about a week when I knew...

Andy and Cassie are walking through a park, Cassie is munching on a bag of popcorn. Each time filling her little hands with more than they can hold. Her beautiful blonde hair sparkles in the sun, Andy steals every look at her that he can. He likes looking at her, she stands about a half foot shorter than him and every time she looks up at him with her big brown eyes he feels himself slipping. He's really falling for this girl.

NARRATOR/ANDY: I feel like that's the best place to start, there's no interesting story about how we met. We found each other online and hit it off. To this day I can't believe she actually turned out to be real. I went into that first date positive that I was getting catfished by some dickhead, I almost called it off actually. The only reason I decided to take a chance and see it through was because "OH MY GOD! Her pictures". 

The couple walks along a pretty pathway on this sunny day, a flock of birds fills the skies around them.

ANDY

If any of these birds tries to poop on you I'll be ready. I'll push you out of the way.

CASSIE

(laughs)

DON'T. You'll spill my popcorn.

They're not going to poo on us.

ANDY

(big smile on his face)

I've seen it happen.

CASSIE

Oh my god. Really?

ANDY

I was with my friend, he just bought a sub and we were walking back to his car. From behind me I just hear "FUUUUUUUUUCK!", I turned around and he was covered in bird shit. It went all over his neck, his shirt, his arm, his sandwich...

Cassie laughs, then her eyebrows wrinkles a little. There's confusion on her face, this girl's thought of something.

CASSIE

Why do they call them subs?

ANDY

It's short for submarine sandwich.

CASSIE

I know that. Why are they called that though?

Andy thinks about it for what seems like way too long.

ANDY

That's one of the best questions I've ever been asked. I honestly don't know. I'd have to look it up.

CASSIE

I know what it's going to say, its going to say its because of it's shape. Like it looks like a sub, but...I mean it doesn't.

ANDY

No. It just looks like a long sandwich.

Cassie again laughs, it's actually adorable. This time she spills out a good bit of her popcorn and when she does the birds descend on it. The pair quickly find themselves surrounded by a flock of frantic, flapping, noisy birds all scrambling to get a nibble of the fallen kernels. Andy goes to make a move.

ANDY

Here, take my hand...I am going to...

CASSIE

It's okay.

Cassie elegantly reaches into her bag of popcorn and flings a handful into the grass a few feet behind them, all the birds take after it and leave the pair alone. They continue their walk however Andy seems almost speechless, he's been left in amazement. 

NARRATOR/ANDY: What she just did right there was the single smartest thing I've ever seen anyone do. It was such a perfect display of practical intelligence; she left me in awe. Seriously. Do you know what my plan was? I was going to sort of shuffle my feet along the ground so I wouldn't step on any of the birds but I would be able to kick them out of the way until we were clear. That was what my idiot man-brain came up with, this girl's a keeper.

That was the exact moment I realized I loved my wife.

Cont'd...

-APE-

Blood and Guts. Tom Gets Eviscerated.

Here's a sentence I never thought I'd get to say using the proper, literal definition of each word.

This is a picture of my friend Anthony eviscerating me.

e·vis·cer·ate

verb (used with object), e·vis·cer·at·ed, e·vis·cer·at·ing. 1. to remove the entrails from; disembowel:

Source:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OBszPLJDVA

Really ruined those pants...

Jason Met Leatherface Once and It Was Adorable.

The above pic is from a comic series called Jason vs Leatherface. At the end of the first issue Jason is invited to have dinner with the family (the meal consisting of people that they killed) and they ask Jason his name. His response was to dip his hand in a cup of blood and write his name on the wall in a childlike font that will bring a smile to your face. So precious. 

Which one of us do you think would taste the best if we ate them?

House Arrested: The show that takes place in a house where all the tenants are sociopathic criminals under house arrest being watched over by the stern Officer Karp.

GORDON - Annoying, kind of snotty.

ANDRE - Large black guy, sensible. 

CONRAD - Shaved head, tattoos, asshole.

BENJAMIN - Normal, nice, guy next door.

JEREMY - Weird.

  

INT - LIVING ROOM

Five guys are scattered throughout the living room, the TV is on in the background.

GORDON

Let me ask you guys a question, and I am being totally hypothetical here.

ANDRE

Ok.

GORDON

Which one of us do you think would taste the best if we ate them?

ANDRE and CONRAD

Benjamin.

BENJAMIN

What?

TITLE: House Arrested - Episode 2 (Only not that. Something else because I hate that title).

CONRAD

Here's the thing. I would be gamey because I have too much muscle.

ANDRE

I'd be really gamey. We don't eat lions.

CONRAD

We don't eat lions.

GORDON

I'd be gamey.

CONRAD

You'd be the farthest thing from gamey, you'd be like veal. Lucky for you I am not crazy about veal. I'd rather eat Benjamin.

BENJAMIN

I want to know. What makes me so delicious?

GORDON

You just look like you'd cook up nice. You have just the right amount of fat, not too much but enough to give the meat that nice chew; y'know?

ANDRE

A little bit of gristle.

GORDON

Yeah.

JEREMY

I am getting kinda hungry.

CONRAD

I feel like with me...
(Conrad starts to squeeze and size up various parts of his body, his arms, legs and chest)
I don't really know where that really good meat would be but with you you'd just cut up so nice because I can see so many places that I could get a good hunk of meat from.

GORDON

I've always thought you'd be perfect for a stew.

ANDRE

Yeah, a lot of that breast meat I can't eat because it looks too fatty but that would be good in a stew.

JEREMY

I am going to go start peeling potatoes. 

Jeremy leaves. After he does we can hear him banging around in the kitchen, pulling out pots, chopping vegetables and running water.

BENJAMIN

So I am just one big delicious pig to you guys then?

CONRAD

Yes.

BENJAMIN

Am I in danger?

 GORDON

Real quick...If we did cook up Benjamin which part would you want to eat the most?

CONRAD

It's tough to say. I don't really know where Benjamin has his steak meat. 

ANDRE

That back fat around his waist, that's his sirloin. I'd have that.

CONRAD

Where does brisket come from?

ANDRE

His chest area.

CONRAD

I'd have that.

GORDON

No, you can't I am using that for my stew. 

CONRAD

Shit. Ribs then, I'd barbeque them up.

BENJAMIN

You know what's weird? This is making me hungry.

GORDON

Yeah what's Jeremy making in there? It smells good. 

INT-KITCHEN

The guys go to the kitchen to see Jeremy feverishly working away, chopping veggies and throwing them into a couple of large boiling pots.

GORDON

Oh wow, you really went to work; huh?

JEREMY

I am really busy, I am trying to get everything prepared so we can eat.

ANDRE

That smells good. Do you want help?

JEREMY

Yeah, that'd be great.

ANDRE

Alright what do you want me to do?

JEREMY

I am going to get these potatoes ready to go in the pot but I need someone to help me chop these onions, I want to make a marinade sauce. I need someone to shred garlic, Conrad that's you. I think we have fresh cloves in the back. Andre don't use that knife on those onions, use the duller knife. Gordon's going to need the good knife for Benjamin. Gordon take Benjamin up to the bathroom and into the tub before you slit his throat. The blood's going to need to drain for an hour or so which gives us just enough time to get this marinade ready, Conrad I need you to add salt and vinegar to that and actually...I think I have a wine sauce upstairs that would be perfect for this. Conrad hold off on that vinegar, Gordan after you kill Benjamin on your way back go into my room and find my cooking wine, look behind my dolls. Andre I also need you to make room in the fridge, I am going to be using the stomach meat and some of the chest but Benjamin's too big to eat today and we're going to want him to keep. There are some Popsicles in the freezer that can be thrown out to make room.

At some point during this rant everyone has stopped working and are all just staring at Jeremy.

CONRAD

Those are my Popsicles and no you can't throw them out.

ANDRE

And we're not eating Benjamin. Are you serious?

 

JEREMY

What?

GORDON

We not actually eating Benjamin.

JEREMY

Why?

BENJAMIN

BECAUSE YOU DON'T EAT PEOPLE!

JEREMY

Arrrggg...you guys were the one's talking about it.

GORDON

Yeah, talking about it. Not actually doing it.

JEREMY

I already made all this food though.

CONRAD

Well we have steak in the fridge, we can still make a nice stew.

JEREMY

(dejected) 

You guys made him sound so good.

BENJAMIN

Well...sorry?

JEREMY

Yeah.

Andre and Conrad go back to chopping the vegetables, Andre takes the steaks out of the fridge.

JEREMY

Conrad pass me that knife so I can de-bone this steak.

Conrad passes Jeremy the knife. 

JEREMY

Steak is probably just as good. Benjamin probably wouldn't have even been that...DELICIOUS!

Jeremy springs forward towards Benjamin, knife held overhead. The final shot is a jarring, loud cut of Jeremy trying desperately to eat Benjamin while the group scrambles to hold him back, screaming for him not to eat Benjamin. Cut to black.

-END-

 

UTURN - I Rewrote 'House Arrested: The Dick Pic' - This Post My Offend

I rewrote this Dick Pic comedy script almost completely. You can scroll down to past entries to see where it started from and compare it to this version, it'll give you an idea of how drastically different early drafts of scripts are from final drafts.

The best part about being finished this is that I don't have to write the term "dick pic" anymore, the worst part is that I'll probably see a drop in views now that I am not saying the term "dick pic" anymore. Look over to the right of this column to see the most popular posts I've put up...do you see how high that other "dick pic" post is on that list? I'd say 90% of the people who found that post using a search engine did NOT find what they were looking for.

Here's my final script. 

House Arrested: The show that takes place in a house where all the tenants are sociopathic criminals under house arrest being watched over by the stern Officer Karp.

 

SCENE 1 - INT - KITCHEN TABLE

An officer is sitting at a kitchen table with 5 men, all of them have on blinking ankle monitors. Andre (a large black man), Conrad (Caucasian tall, tattooed), Gordon (Caucasian, glasses), Benjamin (Caucasian, typical nice guy next door look) and Jeremy (creepy, weird).

OFFICER KARP

Which one of you perverts posted a picture of your dick in an adult chatroom yesterday?

No one speaks up.

OFFICER KARP

It's a violation of your parole, I am within my authority to have that person removed from this house and placed back into the provincial prison system. Somebody better step forward and save me an investigation. Benjamin?

BENJAMIN
(genuinely shocked)

What, I am your first suspect in a dick pic scandal?

OFFICER KARP

Your account is the only one I saw logged onto the house computer last night.

BENJAMIN

I barely even used the computer, everyone kept stealing it. Conrad and Gordon stole it every time I went to the washroom and when I went to make myself a sandwich Andre sat down and started watching a movie on it.

ANDRE
Don't snitch.

BENJAMIN
You watched Braveheart Andre, it was 3 hours long. I was talking to my family.

OFFICER KARP
Where was Jeremy while all this was going on?

BENJAMIN
I don't know. He was skulking around sort of. In the background. I really try to keep as far from him as I can.

Jeremy doesn't react much, something is off in the way he stares at Benjamin. He doesn't say anything.

OFFICER KARP

Conrad, do you have any idea where this picture might have come from?

Conrad is seated to the left of the frame, Andre is seated to the right of him followed by Benjamin and Jeremy. Andre is large in the frame, there's something off about Jeremy; there always is.

CONRAD

No but if the dick's black I can probably guess who's it is.

ANDRE

I know; right? It's not me, if it was me he'd know it was me and we wouldn't be having this meeting.

OFFICER KARP

Andre you can be excused from this meeting.

ANDRE

No I want to find out who did it.

GORDON

Why don't you let me see the picture and I'll tell you who's it is?

CONRAD

What the fuck Gordon?

ANDRE

How do you know what our dicks look like?

GORDON

It can't be that hard to tell our dicks apart. I feel like if I had to I could match a dick to it's face.

BENJAMIN

This conversation's getting a bit weird fellas.

OFFICER KARP

For the sake of the individual's privacy I won't be showing any of you the picture in question. Jeremy you're being awfully quiet.

CONRAD

Don't ruin that.

ANDRE

Don't get Jeremy talking, we don't need him for this.

OFFICER KARP

Jeremy?

Jeremy stands up and pulls his pants down, exposing himself. 

OFFICER KARP

Jesus Jeremy, pull your pants up.

CONRAD

Stop involving him in things.

GORDON

His looked EXACTLY how I thought it would.

OFFICER KARP

Well like it or not unless someone steps forward you're all going to have to drop your pants. Except for Andre and Jeremy.

BENJAMIN
So what; now Jeremy's out too?

OFFICER KARP
Jeremy's penis didn't match the one in the photograph. The picture has to belong to one of you three.

Andre laughs, he's enjoying this.

BENJAMIN

This is a witch hunt!

GORDON
What if I just tell you what my penis looks like, will that help clear my name?
I am about 7 inches long...

CONRAD
Bullshit!

ANDRE
There's no way you're walking around with anything over 6 inches.

GORDON
Why; because I am white?

ANDRE

YES!

BENJAMIN

Well I am about seven inches.

CONRAD

No you're not. Every guy says he's 7 inches if you ask him but do you know how many guys actually are?
Only like a third of all guys.

BENJAMIN

And what are you?

CONRAD

7 inches. That's how I know you two are lying.

ANDRE

(laughing)
All of you are lying.

OFFICER KARP

Andre I don't know why you're laughing like this doesn't effect you. Because of one of these three idiots this house is about to lose online access.

The group is stunned to silence.

GORDON

(in his best Martin Lawrence voice)

Shit just got real.

ANDRE

What was that?

GORDON

No one gets that reference?

Wide shot of everyone. No one gets that reference, Gordon looks crushed.

CONRAD

This is bullshit!

OFFICER KARP

That's what happens when you go showing off your dick on the web Conrad.

CONRAD

I've never shown my dick on the web.

Officer Karp shoots him a look of pure skepticism.

CONRAD

I've never shown my dick on the web using THAT computer.

ANDRE

Why are my rights being taken away because one of those three can't keep his pants on?

OFFICER KARP

Because no one gives a crap about your rights, you're a degenerate in a house full of degenerates. We're not going to trust online access to a house full of perverts.

GORDON

We're perverts? You're trying to get us to pull down our pants!

CONRAD

Yeah; what are you saying here exactly? We all have to pull down our pants and let you leer at us or you'll take away our internet?

OFFICER KARP

LEER AT YOU? I'll be taking a simple photograph of each of you...

GORDON

So you can touch yourself to them later.

OFFICE KARP

SO I can COMPARE those pictures to the one posted illegally on the adult chat room last night.

GORDON

Uh-huh, and you'll be doing this in the shower?

OFFICER KARP

I don't think I like what you're accusing me of Gordon.

GORDON

What I am accusing YOU of? You're accusing me of showing off my dick and then to prove that I didn't do it you're telling me I have to show YOU my dick.

JEREMY

I showed you my dick.

BENJAMIN
Shut up about that. I can't get that image out of my head. 

CONRAD

Stupid sexy Flanders?

ANDRE and BENJAMIN laugh.

BENJAMIN

Yeah.

GORDON

(bitterly)

what, his references you get?

 OFFICER KARP

You're not going to make this easy are you?

BENJAMIN
No.


OFFICER KARP
Fine. If the person who put pictures of his dick on the internet doesn't come clean right now then I am walking out that door and this case is over. I am telling them to take away your internet for good.
1...
2...
3...

ANDRE
Conrad stop being a dick! Just admit you did it.

CONRAD
I didn't!

OFFICER KARP
4...

GORDON
Everyone knows it was you. Stop being so selfish.

CONRAD
F**k you!

OFFICER KARP
5...

BENJAMIN
Look, I'll let you use my computer time if you just admit you did it.

OFFICER KARP
6...

CONRAD
It wasn't me. I wouldn't go showing off on the internet.

OFFICER KARP
7...

Everyone looks very skeptical of that claim.

OFFICER KARP

8...

GORDON

You have shirtless pictures on your facebook.

OFFICER KARP

9...

CONRAD

I don't have dick pictures on my facebook.

 OFFICER KARP

(frustrated)

THAT'S IT!! Either someone admit to it RIGHT NOW, or pull their pants down RIGHT NOW or none of you will ever go online again. I am seriou...oh god!

The camera pans back around to Jeremy standing again with his penis exposed. Everyone groans and covers their eyes. 

BENJAMIN

(hiding his eyes)

Why can't we just say it was Jeremy? I really don't think he'd care.

ANDRE

Jeremy's already crazy, he won't even get in trouble. Besides if anyone should serve additional time it's him. We need to keep him off the streets. 

 GORDON

Yeah, and if you don't want to go along with this I could always just tell your boss that you tried to trick us into taking our clothes off...like we're Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies.

 ...with Arnold Schwarzenegger?
...He tricks her into stripping for him?
...It was a huge blockbuster!

BENJAMIN

I've never heard of it.

GORDON

FUCK you Benjamin!

Jeremy's bare ass is in the foreground, in the background Officer Karp is mulling it over. 

OFFICER KARP

 and you'd be willing to do this Jeremy?

JEREMY

I'd want something in return.

There's a look of concern on Officer Karp's face. 

INT - KITCHEN TABLE/HALLWAY

Something is going on in the hallway, Andre, Gordon, Conrad and Benjamin can't believe what their seeing. They can't believe he's doing it. 

In the hallway Officer Karp has pulled down his pants, Jeremy is about 5 feet away. His face twist in disapproval to what he's seeing.

JEREMY

That's gross.

OFFICER KARP
Then why did you ask me to do it?

JEREMY
So we'd be even.

A flash goes off, Karp doesn't notice.

OFFICER KARP
(pulling up his pants)

Well we're even! Is everyone happy? 

CONRAD

Not really, no.

Gordon is holding his phone, he has a twisted smile as he's looking at it. He's clearly the one who took the picture of Karp just now.

Officer Karp is completely defeated, he gets Jeremy to sign some papers and leaves. The group is left sitting there, jaws agape, in disbelief of how this all played out.

CONRAD
I dodged a BULLET on this one.

Everyone reacts.

EVERYONE

I knew it! You asshole! You're such a dick! F**k you Conrad!

-END-

I am going to continue writing a few more of these House Arrested scripts in the hope of actually getting them filmed. Kind of a long term project.

Next time: A gang of sociopaths and criminals have to catch a tiny mouse.

This Post May Offend - House Arrested: The Dick Pic - Cont'd

I am writing a script for a series about a bunch of guys under house arrest and their parole officer. This episode is about the parole officer intercepting a sexy email that contained a picture of one of the men's penis's and the investigation to find out who's it is.

The story so far. 

Cont'd...

Officer Karp enters the room from the outside, flinging away his cigarette. He sighs.

OFFICER KARP

When I took this job I thought I scored the sweetest gig in the department. I can be a probationary officer where all my responsibilities fall under one roof, no more driving all over the city to check in with you people. I thought I had it pretty good. But now here I am, about to give three grown men a penis inspection and I am left feeling pretty awful about myself and the decisions that led me here. Who wants to go first?

GORDON

Umm nobody.

OFFICER KARP

Gordon, thanks for volunteering. Benjamin you're next, then Conrad. We'll go into the other room, just let me print out a picture of the penis in question for comparison.

BENJAMIN

This is SICK!

OFFICER KARP

Do you think I WANT to do this? Do you think anyone want's to see YOUR penis?

BENJAMIN

Why'd you say it like that? Mine's NORMAL! Don't listen to Gordon.

GORDON

 Everybody thinks your dick is weird. 
Andre do you think his dick is weird?

ANDRE
Yeah probably. 

 

OFFICER KARP

I am tired of hearing the word dick. Gordon let's get this over with.

GORDON

 What? You want me to just go in there and flash you?

OFFICER KARP

Just like a doctor's physical Gordon, there's nothing sexual about this.

GORDON

Yet this still feels like I am a call girl who has to show herself to some weird businessman. I am not touching myself.

OFFICER KARP

I DON'T WANT YOU TO!

Gordon reluctantly leaves into the other room with Officer Karp, Benjamin knows he's next and he's very stressed out at the idea. Conrad turns to Andre.

CONRAD

This is my chance. Keep Jeremy busy, I am going to go search his room.

Cont'd...

 I'd like to think I can wrap this up in only a few more scenes but by my count I have about 5 more scenes left. The next one is the hardest, I am supposed to make a scene where Conrad digs through Jeremy's creepy room to find his bug box and I have no idea how I am going to put that together.

A Box Full of Bugs and a Computer Full of Dicks

I am working on a script. It's for a series of internet shorts about a bunch of guys living together who are each under house arrest.

I am pretty much freeballin' this first script. I've put no planning into the plot, I really don't know where it's going. I decided to write the first script about an investigation to determine which one of the men is guilty of using the house computer to put some dick pics onto the internet because dick pics are funny and I thought I could get some mileage out of it. Then I also introduced the idea of one of the crazier housemates keeping a box full of insects because...I don't know. I don't know how I am merging the two either. Anyway:

Previously

CONT'D...

In the living room Benjamin and Gordon are acutely aware that there's a meeting happening in the kitchen.

GORDON

I bet Conrad's still trying to convince everyone the dick pics aren't his.

BENJAMIN
You think it was him too?

GORDON
Karp said it was either him, you or me and I know it wasn't me. So...

BENJAMIN
Right. Wait, what makes you so sure I didn't do it?

GORDON
I just can't imagine you doing that. Showing off your dick.

BENJAMIN
I wouldn't.
But why do YOU think I wouldn't?

GORDON
You don't have a nice dick. I can tell.

BENJAMIN
What do you mean you can tell?

GORDON

You just have that kind of face.

CONT'D...

What am I doing? Seriously where am I going with this? A box full of bugs? I am kind of writing myself into a corner here.

A Box Full of Bugs and a Computer Full of Dicks

Part 1, 2, 3, 4

CONT'D...

This picture represents the level of gravity I want this

scene to have.

INT-KITCHEN

Conrad and Andre are in the kitchen, Officer Karp is out back having a smoke, Benjamin and Gordon are in the living room, Jeremy is in the background looking closely at the walls, lifting up shoes, staring at the ground, digging around in every nook he comes across. Everyone is watching everyone else.

Andre is sitting at the table eating cereal, Conrad sits next to him. He speaks like someone who doesn't want to be heard by other ears, hiding behind the cereal box as best he can.

CONRAD

We need to talk.
What are your thoughts on what just went down in there?

ANDRE

I think you're the one who put a picture of his dick on the internet.

CONRAD

Wrong, I stopped doing that a while ago.

That's not what we need to talk about. 

ANDRE

Alright, what then?

CONRAD

This box of bugs. Can you believe we have something like that in play now?

ANDRE

I don't like bugs Conrad.

CONRAD

I don't like knowing that someone like Jeremy has a box FULL of bugs at his disposal. What if he wanted to weaponize this?

ANDRE

Is that what you'd do?

CONRAD

YES! and you'd be afraid to cross me. You could wake up one night to find me standing over you with a box full of spiders in my hand. We can't have a weapon like that in this house.

ANDRE

It's like the nuclear option. Just knowing he has that capability..

CONRAD
To cover you in bugs.

ANDRE
Yes. He's not someone I'd trust with that kind of power. With ANY kind of power. 

CONRAD

Then let's team up, lets find that box because you know those two can't be trusted with it. 
(pointing to Benjamin and Gordon in the living room)

GORDON
(voice from the living room)
Why you pointing at me? It wasn't my dick Conrad.

ANDRE

I am with you on one condition, we destroy the box of bugs when we find it.

CONRAD

Of course.

Conrad straightens up in his chair, as he comes out from behind the cereal box he was using for cover he's startled and horrified to find Jeremy sitting right beside him, clutching something in his hand. 

CONRAD

Gaahhh! What are you doing?

JEREMY

I caught a bug.

CONRAD

Eww, and you're holding it with your bare hands?

JEREMY

So? Its just a potato bug see?

Jeremy opens his palm right near Conrad's face.

CONRAD

Bah!

Conrad slaps away Jeremy's hand sending his bug flying onto Andre. Andre jumps up and screams.

ANDRE

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

He flails away in a panic.

ANDRE

AHHHHHHHHH!!

.........

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

.........

AHHHH!

.........

Wait. This is a raisin. 

CON'T...

Yeah I am still pretty much winging this, I have no destination for where this script is headed yet, all I know is that it's somewhere stupid.

-APE-