Blood and Guts. Tom Gets Eviscerated.

Here's a sentence I never thought I'd get to say using the proper, literal definition of each word.

This is a picture of my friend Anthony eviscerating me.

e·vis·cer·ate

verb (used with object), e·vis·cer·at·ed, e·vis·cer·at·ing. 1. to remove the entrails from; disembowel:

Source:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OBszPLJDVA

Really ruined those pants...

Welcome New Viewers

As my view count has been increasing over the last few weeks I figure now's a good time to re-introduce myself and what this blog's all about.

My name is Thomas Holler and this blog's purpose is to kick me in the ass and get me writing more. I work in a day to day office job that eats up almost all my damn time and I needed something to motivate me to write. Writing is something I've always done, I went to school for media and focused on creative writing and communications. When the economy fell through the floor and left most of us feeling insecure about this marketplace I made the decision to try to build a more professional resume in the field of business, or administration or something corporate. Anything that felt more secure than TV and media did at the time, so I walked away and got a job at a bank. It's a decision I made out of self preservation but it's one that's never sat well. I was a dreamer once, I wanted to create my own films and now here I find myself working the least creative job a man can have. Corporate admin. I like the security it offers and there are perks to being in a big company but it's something I feel like I can never have my heart 100% invested in. My dream is to write. I want to work from home, I want to get paid based on something that I create myself. I want to wake up, make breakfast and sit down in my office in my underwear and start writing and have THAT be how I start each morning rather than racing to get on the disgusting subway everyday.


Hence this blog. It's a place where I can come when I feel inspired, its a place where I can work out ideas and collect an archive of scripts. It's worked too, I am currently putting a production called DOPE together based on a series of scripts I wrote early in the site's history. I've developed ideas for internet shorts called House Arrested which I'll come back to one day and came up with a short script about a brutal anti-hero. One day I'll come up with a link for all the scripts and articles I've written on here but that won't be tonight. Tonight I should actually be in bed getting ready to hop on the disgusting subway.

I'll be back tomorrow trying to write a romantic comedy script...it's not going well so far. I am just not feeling my first Rom Com idea, I need a new one. Tomorrow I am going to try to come up with a really good synopsis for a romantic comedy that I love enough to really want to dive in to the script. Tonight I am going to bed.

-Thomas Holler-

The Beautiful - Written by and staring Thomas Holler

And here's a GREAT little horror I was in hosted by horrorpalace.com, just click this pic.

SKINNY DIPPING IN THE MOONLIGHT - A 1 Minute Script

I would have thought finding an enticing skinny dipping picture to use would be easier than it was. Here's my final 1 minute script.

Exterior - Evening/Night - A secluded little spot at a large pond or lake.

An attractive man and woman are stripping down.

TYLER
A little night time skinny dipping, this is the best idea I've ever had.

Jodi smiles

TYLER
How did I talk you into this again?

JODI
I thought I talked you into it.

TYLER
Maaaaan.

JODI
Don't get too excited this is just skinny dipping and you have to turn your head while I get in.

Tyler looks disappointed

JODI
Aww I am sorry. 

TYLER
Alright, am I turning my head all the way around or can I at least have it on this angle where I can just see a TINY little bit in my peripheral but not enough to make anything out?

JODI
If you can't make anything out then why do you still want to see?

TYLER
Have you seen you?

Jodi starts to get undressed, as she's taking off her shorts she looks up.

JODI
A full moon. They say that's romantic.

TYLER
Aren't I lucky.

Tyler turns his head slightly to get a quick look. Jodi sees, she likes it.

JODI
We'll find out.

Jodi walks out into the water. Tyler turns around.

TYLER
Are you going to get your hair wet?

Jodi takes up the challenge unblinkingly and dives down under the water.

TYLER
Skinny dipping with a sexy woman on a full moon. I'd call that lucky.

Tyler pulls down his shorts, as he bends over he hears a large footstep behind him and the breaking of branches. He shoots back up and it's perfectly still. Frozen.

Jodi comes splashing to the surface.

TYLER
shhhh...Jodiiiiiiii...is there a bear behind me?

Jodi looks, her eyes widen. The shock on her face doesn't register with Tyler.

JODI
No

Behind Tyler is an enormous man in a mask, he's wearing tattered clothes covered in blood and carrying a huge knife. Tyler doesn't turn around.

 

TYLER
Phew...ok, good.


-END-

Christmas is about peace, love and family. So here's a story about a violent mugging. Would you step in and save her?

EXTERIOR - Night - A dark city sidewalk/alleyway

A woman in violently pulled into a dark alleyway by a man, he's big and throws her to the ground. She screams as he pulls her deeper into the alleyway and out into a dark abandoned parking lot.

ATTACKER
SHUT UP

VICTIM
PLEASE. NO!

EXTERIOR - Night - A different street

Allan is a meek, nerdy man. He looks like a math teacher and seems slightly unnerved walking through the dark area. As he walks through the quiet, dark street everything seems menacing. He jumps when a cat jumps out from blackened walkway.

ALLAN
Jesus! Oh my god Allan. A cat?

He shakes it off and continues down the street, as he walks into a setting familiar to the audience Allan hears a jarring sound. It sounds almost like a scream and stops him in his tracks but Allan doesn't trust his nerves and shakes it off. He heads past the alley way and around the corner, into the dark abandoned parking lot. He walks across the dark lot to a bike and starts with his combination lock, in the background there's a burst of sudden movement. A woman's body flies violently to the ground.

ATTACKER
You bitch!

The woman screams, she's crying; nearly hysterical.

Allan sees the act of horror and recoils, he goes with his first instinct which is to run. He runs to the one hiding place he sees, the alleyway. He runs into the alleyway and stops behind a dumpster, he's shaking with panic due to the sound of violent blows.

ATTACKER
I am going to KILL you!

Hidden behind the dumpster Allan can't bear to look, he hears the sound of blow after blow and finally musters up the nerve to make a run for it through the alleyway back to the street. When he reaches the opening he looks around. There's no one, no one to help, no payphones to use, it's completely quiet except for the sounds of the brutality behind him.

VICTIM
Please stop. Nooooo. I have a son.

Allan stops, he turns back to look. The attacker is standing over her, his back to the alleyway, he's totally unaware of Allan's presence. Allan is terrified but the need to act has possessed his body, he inches slowly through the darkness towards the scene; along the way he finds a chunk of cement. He picks it up and makes a decision right there.

ALLAN
(whispers to himself)
Please god.

Allan rushes the attacker with the cement in throwing position, he hurls it as he rushes forward. The attacker hears something and spins around, there's a gunshot, the cement smashes into the attacker's face; shattering his nose into a bloody mess. He falls.

Allan stumbles out of the alley and up to the women.

ALLAN
Are...are...are you ok?

She shakes her head, no. Tears stream down her face.

ALLAN
Do you have a phone.

As Allan starts this sentence there's a small appearance of blood on his chest, the stain grows larger and larger as it leaks out of his body.

The woman finds a phone in the bottom of her purse and holds it up.

ALLAN
Good...call the police.

Allan collapses just as the camera fades to black, leaving the viewer to only guess his fate.

-END-

One Minute Short Script About a LOSER.

I disappeared for a while, I don't want to get into why too much but a lot of my writing time has gone towards writing resumes and cover letters (I am employed but I'd like to try something else). It really is a creativity killer. Anyway here's what I am writing now:

Three One Minute Short Films

#1

Jeff is an average man walking down an average city street, he doesn't seem to have a direction or anyplace to go and his pace dictates that he's out for a stroll; just observing the world. He seems almost nervous amongst the crowds as they pass him by and there's a distance between him and those around him, while he see others interacting with each other he seems hesitant to make and real eye contact with anyone. He's depressed.

As he passes by a corner restaurant he sees a woman rush out the front door, his eyes lock to her. He's captivated by her, for a second he wants to call out to her and get her attention in some way but his introverted nature won't allow it. She's rushing anyway and he has no good reason to approach her and strike up a conversation. Deflating; he watches her walk away. As she crosses past him her glove falls out of her pocket and lands on the ground, she doesn't notice. She's actually quite far now, almost across the street. Jeff looks at the glove, normally he would just call out that she dropped something but she's so far away. In order to return her glove would take a big gesture, he'd have to pick it up chase after her and shout her down to get her to stop and turn around. For Jeff that's not something that comes easily. He wants to, he sees the glove and the woman but his nature is still holding him back. He's trying to talk himself into it, there isn't much time left. Jeff in a moment of breakthrough steps outside of himself and steps towards the glove sitting on the street. He's excited. He's really going to go for it for the very first time, he's nervous as he steps towards it and begins to reach for it. He's startled back by the sudden appearance of someone else, some man. The man noticed the dropped glove and came running out of the restaurant after the woman, he strides confidently as he scoops up the glove off the concrete. The man runs across the street with a smile and shouts to this beautiful stranger, displaying the kind of confidence that Jeff can only wish for. She turns to him, Jeff can't hear what they say but her embarrassed smile says more than enough. They laugh, he makes her laugh, Jeff watches. She touches his arm, they laugh, Jeff watches. They walk away down the street together, Jeff watches. Jeff puts his hands back in his pockets, he looks around at the people outside; no one gives any indication that they notice him. Jeff walks away, head down.

THE SECOND TIME BEN GOT STABBED

I had to run outside in the bitter cold of winter at 12 am just to get some STUPID margarine.

HOUSE ARRESTED - A peek inside a house where a robber, a gangster, a psychopath and an innocent man are all under house arrest and can't leave.

Yeah I dropped the cop from the show.



BENJAMIN and CONRAD and in the kitchen, BENJAMIN's cooking at the stove.

CONRAD
YOU DON'T MAKE SOMEONE ELSE'S EGGS BENJAMIN!

BENJAMIN
I'll make you some.

CONRAD
YOU WILL ONLY MAKE ME SOME, no one else is eating my eggs. Why the HELL are you touching them?

BENJAMIN goes to answer but CONRAD's still going, he cuts him off.

CONRAD
How about I touch something of yours! How about I touch your bread!

CONRAD pulls out a whole load of bread from the pantry and stomps on it.

CONRAD
And your bullshit cookies.

CONRAD stomps the box to the ground, he continues to destroy all the food BENJAMIN has and some of his shirts.

CONRAD
It was STUPID of you to touch my eggs. It was STUPID of you to touch my eggs.

ANDRE rounds the corner into the kitchen.

ANDRE
Yo, are those my eggs?

ANDRE takes the eggs from BENJAMIN's hand, noticing the mess but not acknowledging it.

CONRAD
What are you doing?

ANDRE
I asked BENJAMIN to make me some eggs.

CONRAD
He used MY eggs.

ANDRE
You don't have eggs, you traded me all of yours for a favor.

CONRAD
What favor?

ANDRE
I told you if you traded me your eggs I would protect you from JEREMEY.

CONRAD
And you didn't he stabbed me last week.

BENJAMIN
Wait a minute, you told me that you'd protect me from JEREMEY if I made you breakfast.

ANDRE
Don't worry, I've got my eye out for him.

ANDRE walks away.

They're silent for a second, BENJAMIN smiles, he's about to say something when JEREMEY bursts out from underneath the table and stabs him in the stomach with the scissors.

 

BENJAMIN

OH GOD!

THIS CAME OUT OF MY BRAIN!

HOUSE ARRESTED - An internet series about a group of guys under house arrest and the dumb officer who's in charge of them.

CONRAD (mean), ANDRE (clever), BENJAMIN (innocent), JEREMEY (psycho).


Webcam - Officer Carp's room

OFFICER CARP

This is police constable Allan Carp with a video report for the stabbing attack that occurred recently at this location. The attack involved BENJAMIN Baroney who was the victim in this incident, BENJAMIN was convicted of being an accessory to a felony. His attacker was JEREMEY Fish who's under psychic evaluation while staying here. He's diagnosed as an extreme schizophrenic. This incident was as follows.  

Security footage - Kitchen table - BENJAMIN and JEREMEY are eating lunch, JEREMEY is taking keen interest in BENJAMIN.

JEREMEY

There's goblins inside you.

BENJAMIN looks perplexed, he tries to ignore it. JEREMEY makes him uncomfortable.

JEREMEY

I hate goblins. They get inside you and take your food away.

BENJAMIN

Hey, have you been taking your medication?

ANDRE runs into the room, he's worried and grabs a nearby broom as a weapon. 

ANDRE

JEREMEY, you're taking your medication right?

JEREMEY doesn't answer, his eyes are locked on BENJAMIN.

CONRAD strolls into the room.

ANDRE

Careful CONRAD, JEREMEY might be off his medication.

CONRAD

Yeah I never really saw the big deal about that. Have you seen him? What's the worst he can do really?

JEREMEY

Hey CONRAD?

CONRAD

What's up?

JEREMEY

There's goblins in BENJAMIN's stomach

CONRAD

Yeah probably

ANDRE

Don't encourage him, this guy's crazy.

CONRAD

No he's not, BENJAMIN put goblins in his stomach; he told me.

JEREMEY

He did?

CONRAD

Oh yeah.

BENJAMIN

No. CONRAD he's getting excited, we should probably stop now.

ANDRE

Yeah it's not funny dude. JEREMEY, no matter what the voices you're hearing are telling you; BENJAMIN doesn't have any goblins in his stomach

JEREMEY

Is that true CONRAD?

CONRAD

I don't believe it.

BENJAMIN

CONRAD!

ANDRE

ITS NOT FUNNY, this is serious.

JEREMEY

Show me your belly.

BENJAMIN is hesitant but eventually complies and lifts his shirt for JEREMEY.

ANDRE

See, no goblins. 

BENJAMIN

Can we stop this now? 

CONRAD

No! I am still not convinced.

ANDRE 

CONRAD!

CONRAD

WHAT? This is funny. So he thinks BENJAMIN has goblins inside of him. Maybe he does, maybe we all do. You need to calm do...

Before he can finish his sentence JEREMEY makes a move towards BENJAMIN and plunges a pair of scissors into his stomach. Everyone reacts with horror. ANDRE jumps on JEREMEY.

BENJAMIN 

Oh god!

Webcam - Officer Carp's room

OFFICER CARP

Luckily for BENJAMIN the scissors didn't penetrate deeply and he was treated. I've recommended we move JEREMEY from the house but no one will take him. BENJAMIN maintains there were no goblins in his belly.

CALL OF DUTY BLACK OPS 2 TOMORROW!!! also here's my breakdown.

I am back from vacation and Call of Duty comes out tomorrow!! Think about that for a second, we just had a long weekend and Call of Duty comes out on the Tuesday AFTER the long weekend. THINK ABOUT THAT!!!! Why??????? Why? Am I supposed to take time off work to go pick it up? WHY? There was a perfectly good Friday or Saturday release date right there for the taking but they decide to wait until TUESDAY? It makes no sense to me.


Anyway check this out, I was playing Uncharted 3 for the first time in a while and I was getting ready to take a pic of the screen to show to a friend who just recently finished the game. Just as I clicked the button to take the picture I was shot dead, I figured that I only got a pic of the death screen. That black and white screen you get when your character dies...however I got this instead. The exact SECOND that I was shot dead, captured on camera.

And here's how the show is coming along:

The House Arrested is an internet comedy consisting of 2-8 minute videos which revolve around the happenings of a correctional house where the occupants are convicted felons all under house arrest as told by Police Constable Benjamin Carp.

Character Descriptions:

Tom - Arrested for Grand Larceny when he tried to crack a bank machine. Tom is of above average intelligence but displays signs of paranoia and a petty lust for revenge.

Anthony - Arrested for Assault and bribery. Anthony is well connected outside of the house, he's an "acquisitions specialist" making his money and reputation on being able to get anything he's payed to get. He's able to smuggle whatever he wants into the house.

Matthew - Matthew was the unwilling accomplice during a robbery and high speed chase when his friend robbed a McDonalds and sped off with Matthew in the car. He is completely out of place and hated throughout the house.

Jerome - Arrested for Assault, Stalking, Breaking and Entering and threats of violence. Jerome is psychotic and under constant psychiatric evaluation. He lives in the house as a means of rehabilitation, trying to get him interacting with others.

Richard - Arrested for Fraud and Embezzlement. Richard was an investment banker who defrauded his shareholders and clients, he is highly educated and exerts and air of superiority towards the common riff-raff he's forced to live and interact with.

Police Constable Benjamin Carp - Benjamin is the house authority, his duty is to maintain order and administration within the house and report back to his superiors. He isn't particularly competent and is easily manipulated by the inmates.

THIS IS ME STRUGGLING WITH A SCRIPT

This 'House Arrested' script is killing me. Its such a good, simple and easy to shoot idea (click here) I feel like I need to see it through but its so much easier for me to write when I have an idea of who'll be in it. I usually write around actors I know and in this case I have no one in mind.

I know I want one cop who the housemates can manipulate

I know I want one hothead, one smooth criminal type and definitely one weird psycho

and that's it. Actually is that it? Do I want more characters than that? I can always have background people in the house so it seems full of occupants at any given time but I can just focus on my few main characters.


Hmmmm...maybe I should add a woman. How would she fit? I could also use one guy who doesn't belong there. Someone who's actually innocent and is completely out of place in this world.

I found this by searching "really white guy"

Sorry guys I am literally just typing everything I think, this is pure stream of thought. This is me slowly trying to work out a script that gets the movie projector in my head rolling. Once I come up with a cast I like I'll naturally start daydreaming about it and that's where I need to get.

Getting there.

-Thomas Holler

GOOD NEWS AND A GORY VIDEO FOR HALLOWEEN!

One quick update.

It appears our gory horror video called Cleaver has been noticed by the people at www.horrorpalace.com and will be featured there in the coming weeks.

In the meantime it can be viewed here at:

https://www.youtube.com/user/theBeautifulTV

I've also linked the youtube channel to this blog.

Anyway, I am going to try to write my script tonight or at least get through my character descriptions.

HOUSE ARRESTED SCRIPT - ROUGH LOGLINE

So this is my initial idea for the next script I am going to write, this is meant to be the basis for a few internet short comedies. I wanted to come up with something that's SUPER basic in terms of filming but is able to both justify the feel of small production values and provide an idea that can be mined for lots and lots of comedy. This will be shot with a webcam and a stationary cam set up that will be filmed like security cam footage, that means it's easy to shoot and easy to edit.

The House Arrested

The House Arrested is a comedy about a group of outcast, low level criminals who live in a shared residence under the supervision of Police Constable Benjamin Carp. The show is presented through  webcam video reports to his bosses about the day's events, cut with the house's security camera footage.

Day 1: When a democratic voting process is adopted for day to day house decisions each inmate tries to gain power by forming secret alliances and making back room deals. Only they're AWFUL at it. Constantly confusing which deals and alliances they've agreed to, the housemates have to resort to a contentious sit down discussion to work it all out.


I spelled contentious right on my first try BTW.

CHECK OUT THIS STORY PREMISE

DOPE is a show that I came up with and like to write episodes for. Imagine Ghostbusters except it's all government controlled. The Department of Paranormal Events (DOPE) is a low level branch of the government where the three protagonists work.

Anyway check out this one episode premise because I am proud of it:

Rooney, Ervin and Randall are chased into a small cabin by a pack of vampires and Randall has been bitten. They can hold up until sunset when the vampires would retreat but if they do that then Randall would die and become one of them. He needs the vampire virus cure which is in the standard DOPE medical kit in their car and he needs it ASAP.

Rooney and Randall risk certain death at the hands of a ravenous pack of wild vampires. Electing to save their friend Ervin constructs a plan to draw the attention of the vampires from within the cabin allowing Rooney to escape out back. Rooney has to race through a kilometer of vampire territory at night to find their car and get it back to Ervin who was left to fortify and protect the cabin from a pack of strong and frenzied vampires who are determined to tear their way inside where Randall lays helpless and dying on the floor; bound to turn into a deadly vampire himself at any minute.

MY RECURRING DAYDREAM - 3

The conclusion to my little superhero story.

The three men run, they flee the house and run into a shed out back and frantically board up the door. The leader of the group is named Aaron, he's slightly older than the other two. They have a shotgun held by SCUMBAG and two big knives held by Aaron and the 3rd man. DIRTBAG.

AARON
Save those bullets. Do you understand me, they're our only chance. You don't pull that trigger unless you have it aimed a foot away from it's head.

DIRTBAG
We need to run before he gets up.

AARON
He'll catch us.

A primal roar is heard, it's a violent and guttural sound. Wholly inhuman. They're terrified.

SCUMBAG

WE HAVE TO RUN!

AARON
He'll CATCH US.

DIRTBAG
Shut up! 

The men get quiet, they can hear the sounds of the monster smashing up the house room by room. It sounds angry.

They hear it getting closer and closer, it's outside the door. They can hear it stalking around the small shed, they can see it's shadow as it passes past the cracks in the walls where the lights from the house shine down on the dark shed. They can hear it's primal snorts of air up against the walls of the shed, a guttural rumbling in it's gut. Aaron turns to SCUMBAG who is shaking with the shotgun in his hands.

 

AARON
Don't miss.

The back wall explodes apart, it smashes through with ease, Aaron charges it with his knife held above is head, the knife comes down in the creature's neck. I has no effect, it grabs his arm and obliterates it. Aaron twist around and screams, he's facing the two horrified men. Blood gushes from his arm. The beast grabs his head from behind and pulls down on it like a pez dispenser, it snaps right off and rolls on the ground. The beast steps inside.

It's the man in the tattered mask, the area's where his skin is exposed looks grey and pale, dead. He's something between a zombie and a vampire, his eyes are yellow and expressionless. His movements are animalistic.

Scumbag screams, Dirtbag runs. Scumbag pulls his gun and shoots, nothing stops it. Scumbag is pounced upon and torn apart.

Dirtbag is running as hard as he can, the beast can be heard closing in behind him. Dirtbag screams, Cockroach runs alongside him and strikes him down. Dirtbag goes rolling along the hard pavement of the road, his knife skipping alongside him, sparking as it clashes with the road.

Dirtbag is hurt, he reaches for the knife but the beast that was Cockroach picks it up. Dirtbag tries to scamper away but he's stomped on. The beast bares down on him and holds the knife up, intending to strike down on Dirtbag's head with the large knife.

As Dirtbag winces the beast halts, there's the first glimmer of cognitive thought to his movements. He shakes his head, like someone trying to shake out the cobwebs and regain sobriety. His pale yellow eye behind the tattered black mask give way to his human blue eyes.

He's back. Cockroach is back and the beast is gone. He looks up to see himself holding a knife, he looks down to see Dirtbag cowering.

 

COCKROACH
Did you kill a blonde girl?

DIRTBAG
I am SORRY!

COCKROACH
I don't believe you.

'THUNK'. The sound of Dirtbag's head being split open with a knife.

-END-

Oh wow. That was violent. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

I HAVE A RECURRING DAYDREAM - 2

I am continuing this story, check out my last entry if you're interested in catching up.

----------------------------------------

Cont'd

The man takes a moment, the room is quiet and very dark. He gets up off the floor onto his knees, he turns towards the door and stops. Staring back at him is the barrel end of a dirty shotgun, it's held by a scumbag in a white t-shirt with blood stains all over it. Her blood. He speaks.

"You're in big trouble."

The scumbag pulls the trigger, the bullet goes through the man's mouth and explodes out the back of his head. He slumps backwards, his eyes seem impossibly focused and locked on his killer's as he falls backwards. The scumbag is startled, he runs out to the backyard where 2 other men are loading up their truck with stolen items, one of them is trying to wash the blood off of his face. Beside him is a large knife.

SCUMBAG 1
There's someone here

The men drop what they're doing in a panic and rush to their weapons. There's confusion.

SCUMBAG 1
He's inside with the girl, I don't know who he was. I shot him in the head, he's dead.

The night is dark, the house is almost pitch black. One can barely make out the figures as they cautiously stalk the house towards the room where the mysterious stranger had been murdered. The soft light of the room with the two bodies illuminates the group as they inch closer, they see the body of the girl first and don't even react. Towards the far wall they see the slumped body of someone else, dressed all in black.

His upright feet obscure their viewpoint, they move closer...there's movement. They all ready their weapons and step forward, the scumbag with the shotgun is forced to take point. As he gets closer he see's clearly that the man on the floor is breathing, he's breathing very fast. There's a growling sound, something primal and inhuman. He spasms, his growling gets ferocious. He's waking up.

The two man in back's faces have gone white. They recognize the mask, they know exactly who this is. They are in BIG trouble.

"IT'S COCKROACH, RUN!!!!!!!"

To be concluded.

-APE-

FEELING UNINSPIRED

Yeah, that's a pretty good representation of how I've felt lately, just uninspired and unmotivated to work and wow; that orangutang (spelled that right on the first try btw) eats pretty healthy doesn't he?

I plan on writing more new material soon, I actually kind of have to but lately I've just been blanking. I am in a funk, sometimes I get in funks. I'll pop out of it soon, the weekend starts tomorrow so hopefully I can be productive. I WILL be productive.

I was going through my old catalog of scripts and damn, I've actually written a lot. A show about middle class people who start a gang, a short about someone not being sure what his background is so he and his pal go on a borderline racist quest to find out if he's black or not (they play basketball and dance) and here's on oldie I dug out:

A little story about a guy who woke up after a party and realized a woman had raped him, he's on a quest to either have her arrested or to get her number. It totally depends on whether or not she's hot. I'm not crazy about it to be honest, I like the concept so it's worth revising someday.

OPEN: Tom and Chip are sitting with a middle aged, no nonsense cop. He’s at his desk and Tom and Chip are sitting across from him in chairs. Chip has a black eye.

COP

So I am to understand that your friend here was raped?

The camera pans around to see TOM and CHIP sitting there.

CHIP

Yes, that's correct.

TOM

By a girl. I want to make that very clear! That much I am sure of.

CHIP

He called me early this morning and confided in me what happened. I am the one who advised him to come here.

COP

And you are?

CHIP

I am Chip, I am a friend of his and I was with him on the night in question but I left before the incident happened.

COP

I see. Do we know who did this to you mr...?

TOM

Tom, and no. That's the problem.

COP

Do you feel you were drugged?

TOM

I think so, I remember it happening but I kept passing out. I had one drink that night and it was bought for me by some girl in green. I just remember lots of green.

COP

Well we'll certainly look into this, we'll need details to help us find this person. So you'll be looking to press charges then?

TOM

Well that totally depends what she looks like

COP

Why should that have any bearing on this case?

TOM

Because if she's pretty then I have no problem with what she did.

CHIP

No, why would you? At that point it's just annoying that she roofied you and made you forget everything.

COP

legally speaking it's a serious offense regardless of appearance.

CHIP

But morally speaking, it's only wrong if she's ugly.

TOM

Yeah if this girl turns out to be ugly I want her locked up like a little pig for touching me. That's a horrible thing to do to someone, do you understand what a violation like that feels like?

COP

And if she's attractive?

TOM

Then how lucky am I? Honestly.

CHIP

Oh my god. If she turns out to be sexy can you imagine? You could write a penthouse letter about that. If she's attractive it goes from being a tragic story about someone taking advantage of you to something we can all high five about.

TOM

Seriously if she turns out to be attractive then all I want from you is her contact info.

COP

That’s not how this works. What information can you give me?

TOM

It happened at a bar in Peterborough

COP

Peterborough?

He looks quizzically at his form.

COP

According to this that’s at 4 hour drive from your home. Why were you all the way up there?

CHIP

Irrelevant

COP

I’ll decide what’s relevant.

TOM

We were just driving around.

COP

Why were you on those roads.

CHIP

Don’t tell him. WE PLEAD THE 5^TH.

TOM

You’re making it sound so much worse

COP

Somebody tell me what you were doing on a country road at near 2 in the morning! What were you planning on doing all the way out there in the middle of nowhere?

TOM

Burying a cat.

COP

You killed a cat?

TOM

You just assume that?

CHIP

No one killed the cat, it was my cat. I loved that cat.

COP

You drove 3 hours out of the city to bury your cat?

CHIP

(Irritable)

I would have driven for days if that’s how long it took to find a beautiful spot. What do you do with your cats; throw them in a dumpster?

One of the other officers in the room whispers to COP

COP

My associate just informed me that we responded to a domestic disturbance call that same night, the complainee said that two men were burying some trash in his yard and got into a physical confrontation with him. He’s on his way right now to file a complaint, why don’t you two stick around for that.

TOM

I am filing a complaint against him. He was way over the top, he threw a dead cat at me.

CUT to footage of the man approaching Tom and Chip as they begin to dig a ditch on his property. An argument ensues, Tom picks up the dead cat and throws it at the man, the man catches it and throws it back at Tom, hitting him. Chip freaks out over his cat being tossed around.  The man tells them to find someplace else.

COP

Something tells me you’re going to be here a while. Why don’t you finish your story. After you and your friend here were through burying your friend’s cat what did you do?

CHIP

I said a few words. Something off the cuff I believe.

Cut to shot of Tom and Chip in a nice field, standing by a small grave. Chip pulls out several tear soaked pages of paper and begins to read his eulogy.

COP

And then you headed to the bar?

CHIP

Yes

CUT to a shot back at the house where they had the confrontation with The MAN, Tom and Chip pull up and sneak out of their car and towards the house. Once they get there CHIP sneaks up to the man’s front door and starts peeing on it.

CUT to the 3 of them arguing on the doorstep after the man answers the door

CUT to Tom pulling out of the driveway fast with the man chasing them with a bat. Chip is unconscious in the back seat. Tom pulls into a bar and sits down at the bar. A woman voice says “Excuse me, you look like you had a hard day, want a drink?” and we fade out to the police station.

TOM

I go in, I sit down and someone hands me a drink. I don’t remember who, I can’t remember any faces. I just remember green. She was wearing green. We ended up back at my place, I remember bits and pieces of what she did to me but I was almost completely out of it. I don’t remember if she was hot or not.

COP

Once again we will not discriminate based on a person’s physical appearance, a crime is a crime whether you’re attractive or not. Is that understood?

TOM

Not really

CHIP

It makes no sense to me.

TOM

One the one hand, if she’s unattractive; or you know what? Even if she’s just kind of average, then what she did is sickening. I’ll never get over that. But on the other hand if she’s really hot I get over it pretty quickly

COP

I am no longer interested in helping you.

SCENE 2: Tom and Chip are driving

TOM

That’s why I didn’t want to go to the police in the first place.

CHIP

Well if there’s one good thing that come out of it; it’s that it jogged our memory. Now we can head back to that bar and ask some question.

TOM

And if there’s one bad thing to come out of it?

CHIP

Then it would probably be all the fines we ended up getting.

TOM
How much did yours total out to?

CHIP

A little under a thousand dollars.

TOM

Mine was only half that but you flipped them off on the way out.

CHIP

That was costly.

CUT to chip flipping the police off as he leaves, only to be tackled and re-arrested.

CHIP

So what if we find this girl? What are you going to say to her?

TOM

I am going to say “You sick twisted bitch. You’re the scum of the Earth. Someone who preys on other people. Someone...

CHIP

...Someone so vile, so weak , you can’t even control your own urges? Go die.

TOM

You DRUG me to get me into bed? You disgusting cow. You’re ROBBED me of my peace of mind. FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I will never have peace of mind again because of what you did to me. You bitch, you criminal. I hate you. You’ve destroyed my life, I’ll NEVER put this back together again. A piece will always be missing, A PIECE YOU STOLE. I HOPE YOU DIE!

CHIP

Ok but what if she turns out to be hot

TOM

I am going to be like...What’s going on? Ummm, I had a good time last night. You didn’t have to drug (laughs) you didn’t have to drug me but mistakes happen aaaand if you want to get together again sometime here’s my cell number. Feel free to call it.

CHIP

That sounds good.

SCENE 4: Tom and Chip pull up to a bar and get out, they enter and walk around for a little bit. Checking out the people.

Close up on Tom as we hear a familiar voice.

WAITRESS 1

Oh hey it’s you again.

WAITRESS 1 is absolutely beautiful and dressed in an all green waitress uniform.

TOM

Excuse me?

WAITRESS 1

I am so sorry for what I did, I hope you’re okay. I had a lot of fun with you last night, I know you’re probably mad but I just need you to know that.

Beat.

TOM

Oh no...no no no, don’t worry about it. I am fine. It was a bit weird but I am glad you did it. It was a lot of fun actually. If I am being totally honest I am hoping we can make it happen again, but I don’t want to put any pressure on you.

WAITRESS 1

Not at all, I’ll go get her for you.

TOM

What?

WAITRESS 1

My co-worker Cathy. I am so glad to hear that you guys hit it off, she didn’t say anything about it when we talked so I wasn’t sure. Again I am sorry I passed you off onto her but she liked and I already have a boyfriend.

CATHY enters from the back wearing the same green uniform.  She’s very unattractive. She sees Tom.

CATHY

Oh shit

CATHY looks at Tom, mouth agape. Waitress 1 looks at Cathy, smiling. Tom looks at waitress 1 and then over to Cathy slowly, his shocked face turning to disgust.

Beat

TOM

You sick twisted bitch...

END