FEELING UNINSPIRED

Yeah, that's a pretty good representation of how I've felt lately, just uninspired and unmotivated to work and wow; that orangutang (spelled that right on the first try btw) eats pretty healthy doesn't he?

I plan on writing more new material soon, I actually kind of have to but lately I've just been blanking. I am in a funk, sometimes I get in funks. I'll pop out of it soon, the weekend starts tomorrow so hopefully I can be productive. I WILL be productive.

I was going through my old catalog of scripts and damn, I've actually written a lot. A show about middle class people who start a gang, a short about someone not being sure what his background is so he and his pal go on a borderline racist quest to find out if he's black or not (they play basketball and dance) and here's on oldie I dug out:

A little story about a guy who woke up after a party and realized a woman had raped him, he's on a quest to either have her arrested or to get her number. It totally depends on whether or not she's hot. I'm not crazy about it to be honest, I like the concept so it's worth revising someday.

OPEN: Tom and Chip are sitting with a middle aged, no nonsense cop. He’s at his desk and Tom and Chip are sitting across from him in chairs. Chip has a black eye.

COP

So I am to understand that your friend here was raped?

The camera pans around to see TOM and CHIP sitting there.

CHIP

Yes, that's correct.

TOM

By a girl. I want to make that very clear! That much I am sure of.

CHIP

He called me early this morning and confided in me what happened. I am the one who advised him to come here.

COP

And you are?

CHIP

I am Chip, I am a friend of his and I was with him on the night in question but I left before the incident happened.

COP

I see. Do we know who did this to you mr...?

TOM

Tom, and no. That's the problem.

COP

Do you feel you were drugged?

TOM

I think so, I remember it happening but I kept passing out. I had one drink that night and it was bought for me by some girl in green. I just remember lots of green.

COP

Well we'll certainly look into this, we'll need details to help us find this person. So you'll be looking to press charges then?

TOM

Well that totally depends what she looks like

COP

Why should that have any bearing on this case?

TOM

Because if she's pretty then I have no problem with what she did.

CHIP

No, why would you? At that point it's just annoying that she roofied you and made you forget everything.

COP

legally speaking it's a serious offense regardless of appearance.

CHIP

But morally speaking, it's only wrong if she's ugly.

TOM

Yeah if this girl turns out to be ugly I want her locked up like a little pig for touching me. That's a horrible thing to do to someone, do you understand what a violation like that feels like?

COP

And if she's attractive?

TOM

Then how lucky am I? Honestly.

CHIP

Oh my god. If she turns out to be sexy can you imagine? You could write a penthouse letter about that. If she's attractive it goes from being a tragic story about someone taking advantage of you to something we can all high five about.

TOM

Seriously if she turns out to be attractive then all I want from you is her contact info.

COP

That’s not how this works. What information can you give me?

TOM

It happened at a bar in Peterborough

COP

Peterborough?

He looks quizzically at his form.

COP

According to this that’s at 4 hour drive from your home. Why were you all the way up there?

CHIP

Irrelevant

COP

I’ll decide what’s relevant.

TOM

We were just driving around.

COP

Why were you on those roads.

CHIP

Don’t tell him. WE PLEAD THE 5^TH.

TOM

You’re making it sound so much worse

COP

Somebody tell me what you were doing on a country road at near 2 in the morning! What were you planning on doing all the way out there in the middle of nowhere?

TOM

Burying a cat.

COP

You killed a cat?

TOM

You just assume that?

CHIP

No one killed the cat, it was my cat. I loved that cat.

COP

You drove 3 hours out of the city to bury your cat?

CHIP

(Irritable)

I would have driven for days if that’s how long it took to find a beautiful spot. What do you do with your cats; throw them in a dumpster?

One of the other officers in the room whispers to COP

COP

My associate just informed me that we responded to a domestic disturbance call that same night, the complainee said that two men were burying some trash in his yard and got into a physical confrontation with him. He’s on his way right now to file a complaint, why don’t you two stick around for that.

TOM

I am filing a complaint against him. He was way over the top, he threw a dead cat at me.

CUT to footage of the man approaching Tom and Chip as they begin to dig a ditch on his property. An argument ensues, Tom picks up the dead cat and throws it at the man, the man catches it and throws it back at Tom, hitting him. Chip freaks out over his cat being tossed around.  The man tells them to find someplace else.

COP

Something tells me you’re going to be here a while. Why don’t you finish your story. After you and your friend here were through burying your friend’s cat what did you do?

CHIP

I said a few words. Something off the cuff I believe.

Cut to shot of Tom and Chip in a nice field, standing by a small grave. Chip pulls out several tear soaked pages of paper and begins to read his eulogy.

COP

And then you headed to the bar?

CHIP

Yes

CUT to a shot back at the house where they had the confrontation with The MAN, Tom and Chip pull up and sneak out of their car and towards the house. Once they get there CHIP sneaks up to the man’s front door and starts peeing on it.

CUT to the 3 of them arguing on the doorstep after the man answers the door

CUT to Tom pulling out of the driveway fast with the man chasing them with a bat. Chip is unconscious in the back seat. Tom pulls into a bar and sits down at the bar. A woman voice says “Excuse me, you look like you had a hard day, want a drink?” and we fade out to the police station.

TOM

I go in, I sit down and someone hands me a drink. I don’t remember who, I can’t remember any faces. I just remember green. She was wearing green. We ended up back at my place, I remember bits and pieces of what she did to me but I was almost completely out of it. I don’t remember if she was hot or not.

COP

Once again we will not discriminate based on a person’s physical appearance, a crime is a crime whether you’re attractive or not. Is that understood?

TOM

Not really

CHIP

It makes no sense to me.

TOM

One the one hand, if she’s unattractive; or you know what? Even if she’s just kind of average, then what she did is sickening. I’ll never get over that. But on the other hand if she’s really hot I get over it pretty quickly

COP

I am no longer interested in helping you.

SCENE 2: Tom and Chip are driving

TOM

That’s why I didn’t want to go to the police in the first place.

CHIP

Well if there’s one good thing that come out of it; it’s that it jogged our memory. Now we can head back to that bar and ask some question.

TOM

And if there’s one bad thing to come out of it?

CHIP

Then it would probably be all the fines we ended up getting.

TOM
How much did yours total out to?

CHIP

A little under a thousand dollars.

TOM

Mine was only half that but you flipped them off on the way out.

CHIP

That was costly.

CUT to chip flipping the police off as he leaves, only to be tackled and re-arrested.

CHIP

So what if we find this girl? What are you going to say to her?

TOM

I am going to say “You sick twisted bitch. You’re the scum of the Earth. Someone who preys on other people. Someone...

CHIP

...Someone so vile, so weak , you can’t even control your own urges? Go die.

TOM

You DRUG me to get me into bed? You disgusting cow. You’re ROBBED me of my peace of mind. FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I will never have peace of mind again because of what you did to me. You bitch, you criminal. I hate you. You’ve destroyed my life, I’ll NEVER put this back together again. A piece will always be missing, A PIECE YOU STOLE. I HOPE YOU DIE!

CHIP

Ok but what if she turns out to be hot

TOM

I am going to be like...What’s going on? Ummm, I had a good time last night. You didn’t have to drug (laughs) you didn’t have to drug me but mistakes happen aaaand if you want to get together again sometime here’s my cell number. Feel free to call it.

CHIP

That sounds good.

SCENE 4: Tom and Chip pull up to a bar and get out, they enter and walk around for a little bit. Checking out the people.

Close up on Tom as we hear a familiar voice.

WAITRESS 1

Oh hey it’s you again.

WAITRESS 1 is absolutely beautiful and dressed in an all green waitress uniform.

TOM

Excuse me?

WAITRESS 1

I am so sorry for what I did, I hope you’re okay. I had a lot of fun with you last night, I know you’re probably mad but I just need you to know that.

Beat.

TOM

Oh no...no no no, don’t worry about it. I am fine. It was a bit weird but I am glad you did it. It was a lot of fun actually. If I am being totally honest I am hoping we can make it happen again, but I don’t want to put any pressure on you.

WAITRESS 1

Not at all, I’ll go get her for you.

TOM

What?

WAITRESS 1

My co-worker Cathy. I am so glad to hear that you guys hit it off, she didn’t say anything about it when we talked so I wasn’t sure. Again I am sorry I passed you off onto her but she liked and I already have a boyfriend.

CATHY enters from the back wearing the same green uniform.  She’s very unattractive. She sees Tom.

CATHY

Oh shit

CATHY looks at Tom, mouth agape. Waitress 1 looks at Cathy, smiling. Tom looks at waitress 1 and then over to Cathy slowly, his shocked face turning to disgust.

Beat

TOM

You sick twisted bitch...

END