Tom Persists

I am back on this romantic comedy idea. I know I need to write a feature length movie script, its a goal of mine to write several movie scripts so I should probably get started on it.

Instead of staring at a blank computer screen I decided to plot it out by hand using my only table and sticky pads. I have act one sort of plotted out, I am trying to get at least a rough plot breakdown finished this week because I really need that table back. I spilled soup on my stomach earlier today, a direct result of not having a usable table.

Here's a one sentance tagline for my romantic comedy idea: What exactly are we calling 'internet stalking' these days?

I am Just Going To Level With You...

 I hate the romcom I am writing, it's not working. Having the characters meet online seemed like a good idea because that's how everyone meets these days but the way it's playing out on paper won't work on screen. I don't even know where I am going with it and I am not motivated to see this story's finish. If I am struggling to come on here and write (and I am, mightily) that that to me is a very clear indication that this story isn't worth writing. Everything good that I've ever written has poured out of my head and onto the page fluidly, with almost no effort. I never felt like I had to turn the bottle upside down and bang on it to get the words to come out but that's how I feel right now. I am scrapping this script, I know I can do better. I need to find a story that writes itself, I want to be excited about what I am working on.

Tom WILL write a romantic comedy, he just needs to come up with one first.

In the meantime, here's a real life text I got that's funnier than anything I've come up with so far.

Tom's Rom-Com. Part...3?

Alright, this is slow going but I am slowly plugging away at it.

Here's what I have previously

"MONDAY"

Andy is working at his desk, typing away at his computer. His phone sits at his desk beside him. He keeps glancing at it.

Narrator/Andy: Monday. We texted back and forth all weekend. We started talking on Saturday and I already know where she works, where she went to school, her favorite bars, what music she listens to, what she likes to do on weekends...and she knows all that stuff about me. Well obviously I lied about what I do with my weekends, I am not telling her I laid on my couch for two days. I made something up.

Andy's phone buzzes, he stealthily picks it up, it's from Cassie. He smiles.

Narrator/Andy: Look at that smile. It happens every time my phone goes off, Cassie's like Christmas. Each text is a new present to unwrap. 

Andy looks up from the phone for just a second to see a coworker staring sternly at him, taking note of his casual cell phone usage during business hours. He puts down his cell and goes back to work, feeling frustrated that he can't check his phone. He's like a junky thinking about his next fix, Andy tries to work through his urge. 

The phone buzzes again and Andy doesn't even hesitate, in one motion he locks up his desk, scoops up his phone and walks to the washroom. He finds a stall, takes the time to put down a sani-seat and sits down on the toilet, pants on.

He checks his phone, he smiles.

Narrator/Andy: (Doing a Cassie impression) "Hey Andyyyyyyyyyy. I am so busy today, we're overbooked and I am doing double the work. I had to be in at 6am today :( Anyway, I needed a distraction and I thought of you." Aww, you see what's happening here? She needs a smile and she came to me. Goddamn it that made my day.

Andy responds and then stands back up to leave the stall, he stops himself.

Narrator/Andy: Actually, shit. I can't really go to the washroom later if they all saw me go in here just now. Hold it in later or try to make something happen now? Hold it in later or go now?

Andy starts to undo his belt and unbutton his pants.

Narrator/Andy: Ugggggggg, alright. 

Cont'd...

That's a good place to stop, right? Women like seeing guys use the toilet in romantic comedies don't they?

Tom's Writing A Romantic Something

I was going to spice up this page with a drawing of a guy sitting on the couch just like I describe in this post but as it turns out drawing is hard. I suck at it, I can't make anything look like anything. I can't even draw cartoon faces well. Anyway, back to my story.

"LIFE BEFORE CASSIE"

Andy is sitting alone on the couch of a sparsely decorated apartment, one leg flung over the back of the couch, one stretched out over top of the coffee table. He's laying back like a gross shlub and watching TMZ. Outside his window you can hear the sounds of laughter and fun, more sociable people having a night out with friends. Andy stares unmoving at the screen.

NARRATOR/ANDY: How gross is it that this is how I spent most Saturday nights? How gross is it that this is how I WANTED to spend my Saturday nights?

Andy's phone buzzes, someone's calling him. He lets it ring for a while before finally giving in and answering it. The sounds of music and muffled shouting burst through the earpiece.

ANDY

Yo.

ANDY

What?

ANDY

What?

ANDY

Why where are you?

ANDY

What club?

Andy's eyebrows furl.

ANDY

Uuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...I don't think

I can make it. I am busy right now.

ANDY

No I can't, I am just heading out to meet mt friend. 

ANDY

NO!

ANDY

Well I'll tell you what, I have to run and meet my friend right now but I'll ask him if he wants to go. It depends on what he says. I gotta go.

ANDY

I gotta GO! I am getting onto the elevator, I gotta go.

Andy hangs up the phone and lays back down on the couch. 

NARRATOR/ANDY: The thing about falling into a rut is that you don't "fall" into them, you go willingly. You settle into a rut and make yourself comfortable, the sick part is that you don't mind it. You can sense life zipping past you but you can't seem to care until you finally see something you want bad enough to chase after it.

Andy's phone buzzes again, he glances at his phone. His eye's perk up slightly.

"New Tinder match"

Andy opens the app and see's Cassie. She's cute. Andy quickly types out a hello message, something simple. He lays back down and forgets about it, not expecting a response.

His phone buzzes again.

"Cassie sent you a new message"

NARRATOR/ANDY: Enter Cassie. My Roadrunner.

Cont'd...

So one again, I am pretty much directionless as I write this, I'll figure out what this is or where it's going along the way. 

-APE-

Tom Starts Writing A Romantic Comedy Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...Now.

Well this is a change of pace for me. It's been a while since I've posted and I believe the article directly below this one involves a picture of me having my guts cut out. Correct? Alright, well regardless; I am starting my romantic comedy. I am going to try to write a full length feature script and I'll be plowing through my first draft on this blog. I am not really prepping, and a lot of this will be me just winging it on the fly so I am not going to worry about character descriptions or synopsis just yet. These characters are however you envision them in your head as you read this. Let go. 

NARRATOR/ANDY: We had only been dating for about a week when I knew...

Andy and Cassie are walking through a park, Cassie is munching on a bag of popcorn. Each time filling her little hands with more than they can hold. Her beautiful blonde hair sparkles in the sun, Andy steals every look at her that he can. He likes looking at her, she stands about a half foot shorter than him and every time she looks up at him with her big brown eyes he feels himself slipping. He's really falling for this girl.

NARRATOR/ANDY: I feel like that's the best place to start, there's no interesting story about how we met. We found each other online and hit it off. To this day I can't believe she actually turned out to be real. I went into that first date positive that I was getting catfished by some dickhead, I almost called it off actually. The only reason I decided to take a chance and see it through was because "OH MY GOD! Her pictures". 

The couple walks along a pretty pathway on this sunny day, a flock of birds fills the skies around them.

ANDY

If any of these birds tries to poop on you I'll be ready. I'll push you out of the way.

CASSIE

(laughs)

DON'T. You'll spill my popcorn.

They're not going to poo on us.

ANDY

(big smile on his face)

I've seen it happen.

CASSIE

Oh my god. Really?

ANDY

I was with my friend, he just bought a sub and we were walking back to his car. From behind me I just hear "FUUUUUUUUUCK!", I turned around and he was covered in bird shit. It went all over his neck, his shirt, his arm, his sandwich...

Cassie laughs, then her eyebrows wrinkles a little. There's confusion on her face, this girl's thought of something.

CASSIE

Why do they call them subs?

ANDY

It's short for submarine sandwich.

CASSIE

I know that. Why are they called that though?

Andy thinks about it for what seems like way too long.

ANDY

That's one of the best questions I've ever been asked. I honestly don't know. I'd have to look it up.

CASSIE

I know what it's going to say, its going to say its because of it's shape. Like it looks like a sub, but...I mean it doesn't.

ANDY

No. It just looks like a long sandwich.

Cassie again laughs, it's actually adorable. This time she spills out a good bit of her popcorn and when she does the birds descend on it. The pair quickly find themselves surrounded by a flock of frantic, flapping, noisy birds all scrambling to get a nibble of the fallen kernels. Andy goes to make a move.

ANDY

Here, take my hand...I am going to...

CASSIE

It's okay.

Cassie elegantly reaches into her bag of popcorn and flings a handful into the grass a few feet behind them, all the birds take after it and leave the pair alone. They continue their walk however Andy seems almost speechless, he's been left in amazement. 

NARRATOR/ANDY: What she just did right there was the single smartest thing I've ever seen anyone do. It was such a perfect display of practical intelligence; she left me in awe. Seriously. Do you know what my plan was? I was going to sort of shuffle my feet along the ground so I wouldn't step on any of the birds but I would be able to kick them out of the way until we were clear. That was what my idiot man-brain came up with, this girl's a keeper.

That was the exact moment I realized I loved my wife.

Cont'd...

-APE-