Which one of us do you think would taste the best if we ate them?

House Arrested: The show that takes place in a house where all the tenants are sociopathic criminals under house arrest being watched over by the stern Officer Karp.

GORDON - Annoying, kind of snotty.

ANDRE - Large black guy, sensible. 

CONRAD - Shaved head, tattoos, asshole.

BENJAMIN - Normal, nice, guy next door.

JEREMY - Weird.

  

INT - LIVING ROOM

Five guys are scattered throughout the living room, the TV is on in the background.

GORDON

Let me ask you guys a question, and I am being totally hypothetical here.

ANDRE

Ok.

GORDON

Which one of us do you think would taste the best if we ate them?

ANDRE and CONRAD

Benjamin.

BENJAMIN

What?

TITLE: House Arrested - Episode 2 (Only not that. Something else because I hate that title).

CONRAD

Here's the thing. I would be gamey because I have too much muscle.

ANDRE

I'd be really gamey. We don't eat lions.

CONRAD

We don't eat lions.

GORDON

I'd be gamey.

CONRAD

You'd be the farthest thing from gamey, you'd be like veal. Lucky for you I am not crazy about veal. I'd rather eat Benjamin.

BENJAMIN

I want to know. What makes me so delicious?

GORDON

You just look like you'd cook up nice. You have just the right amount of fat, not too much but enough to give the meat that nice chew; y'know?

ANDRE

A little bit of gristle.

GORDON

Yeah.

JEREMY

I am getting kinda hungry.

CONRAD

I feel like with me...
(Conrad starts to squeeze and size up various parts of his body, his arms, legs and chest)
I don't really know where that really good meat would be but with you you'd just cut up so nice because I can see so many places that I could get a good hunk of meat from.

GORDON

I've always thought you'd be perfect for a stew.

ANDRE

Yeah, a lot of that breast meat I can't eat because it looks too fatty but that would be good in a stew.

JEREMY

I am going to go start peeling potatoes. 

Jeremy leaves. After he does we can hear him banging around in the kitchen, pulling out pots, chopping vegetables and running water.

BENJAMIN

So I am just one big delicious pig to you guys then?

CONRAD

Yes.

BENJAMIN

Am I in danger?

 GORDON

Real quick...If we did cook up Benjamin which part would you want to eat the most?

CONRAD

It's tough to say. I don't really know where Benjamin has his steak meat. 

ANDRE

That back fat around his waist, that's his sirloin. I'd have that.

CONRAD

Where does brisket come from?

ANDRE

His chest area.

CONRAD

I'd have that.

GORDON

No, you can't I am using that for my stew. 

CONRAD

Shit. Ribs then, I'd barbeque them up.

BENJAMIN

You know what's weird? This is making me hungry.

GORDON

Yeah what's Jeremy making in there? It smells good. 

INT-KITCHEN

The guys go to the kitchen to see Jeremy feverishly working away, chopping veggies and throwing them into a couple of large boiling pots.

GORDON

Oh wow, you really went to work; huh?

JEREMY

I am really busy, I am trying to get everything prepared so we can eat.

ANDRE

That smells good. Do you want help?

JEREMY

Yeah, that'd be great.

ANDRE

Alright what do you want me to do?

JEREMY

I am going to get these potatoes ready to go in the pot but I need someone to help me chop these onions, I want to make a marinade sauce. I need someone to shred garlic, Conrad that's you. I think we have fresh cloves in the back. Andre don't use that knife on those onions, use the duller knife. Gordon's going to need the good knife for Benjamin. Gordon take Benjamin up to the bathroom and into the tub before you slit his throat. The blood's going to need to drain for an hour or so which gives us just enough time to get this marinade ready, Conrad I need you to add salt and vinegar to that and actually...I think I have a wine sauce upstairs that would be perfect for this. Conrad hold off on that vinegar, Gordan after you kill Benjamin on your way back go into my room and find my cooking wine, look behind my dolls. Andre I also need you to make room in the fridge, I am going to be using the stomach meat and some of the chest but Benjamin's too big to eat today and we're going to want him to keep. There are some Popsicles in the freezer that can be thrown out to make room.

At some point during this rant everyone has stopped working and are all just staring at Jeremy.

CONRAD

Those are my Popsicles and no you can't throw them out.

ANDRE

And we're not eating Benjamin. Are you serious?

 

JEREMY

What?

GORDON

We not actually eating Benjamin.

JEREMY

Why?

BENJAMIN

BECAUSE YOU DON'T EAT PEOPLE!

JEREMY

Arrrggg...you guys were the one's talking about it.

GORDON

Yeah, talking about it. Not actually doing it.

JEREMY

I already made all this food though.

CONRAD

Well we have steak in the fridge, we can still make a nice stew.

JEREMY

(dejected) 

You guys made him sound so good.

BENJAMIN

Well...sorry?

JEREMY

Yeah.

Andre and Conrad go back to chopping the vegetables, Andre takes the steaks out of the fridge.

JEREMY

Conrad pass me that knife so I can de-bone this steak.

Conrad passes Jeremy the knife. 

JEREMY

Steak is probably just as good. Benjamin probably wouldn't have even been that...DELICIOUS!

Jeremy springs forward towards Benjamin, knife held overhead. The final shot is a jarring, loud cut of Jeremy trying desperately to eat Benjamin while the group scrambles to hold him back, screaming for him not to eat Benjamin. Cut to black.

-END-

 

A Box Full of Bugs and a Computer Full of Dicks

I am working on a script. It's for a series of internet shorts about a bunch of guys living together who are each under house arrest.

I am pretty much freeballin' this first script. I've put no planning into the plot, I really don't know where it's going. I decided to write the first script about an investigation to determine which one of the men is guilty of using the house computer to put some dick pics onto the internet because dick pics are funny and I thought I could get some mileage out of it. Then I also introduced the idea of one of the crazier housemates keeping a box full of insects because...I don't know. I don't know how I am merging the two either. Anyway:

Previously

CONT'D...

In the living room Benjamin and Gordon are acutely aware that there's a meeting happening in the kitchen.

GORDON

I bet Conrad's still trying to convince everyone the dick pics aren't his.

BENJAMIN
You think it was him too?

GORDON
Karp said it was either him, you or me and I know it wasn't me. So...

BENJAMIN
Right. Wait, what makes you so sure I didn't do it?

GORDON
I just can't imagine you doing that. Showing off your dick.

BENJAMIN
I wouldn't.
But why do YOU think I wouldn't?

GORDON
You don't have a nice dick. I can tell.

BENJAMIN
What do you mean you can tell?

GORDON

You just have that kind of face.

CONT'D...

What am I doing? Seriously where am I going with this? A box full of bugs? I am kind of writing myself into a corner here.

I am Turning This Jeremy Guy Into a Huge Weirdo. House Arrested - Pt. 4

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

ANDRE

Why are my rights being taken away because one of those three can't keep his pants on?

OFFICER KARP

Because no one gives a crap about your rights, you're a degenerate in a house full of degenerates. All of your actions reflect on each other. When one of you posts your dick pics on the internet; all of you pay the price. 

BENJAMIN

You don't think installing security cameras is a bit extreme?

JEREMY

Yeah.

BENJAMIN

NO Jeremy.

GORDON 

Jeremy no! Don't come into this.

OFFICER KARP

Jeremy, do you have something you want to say?

ANDRE

Jeremy, go to your room!

JEREMY

I don't want people to watch what I do.

OFFICER KARP

and why not?

JEREMY

Because then they'll just ask questions.

OFFICER KARP
Questions?

JEREMY
They'll want to know why I am always in Benjamin's room. 

BENJAMIN
WHY WERE YOU IN MY ROOM?

JEREMY
I was looking for bugs.

BENJAMIN
Bugs?

JEREMY
To put with my other bugs. 

GORDON
OTHER BUGS?

CONRAD
Are you keeping bugs in this house?

JEREMY
Just in my box.

CONRAD
What box?

JEREMY
My box of bugs.

ANDRE
ARRRRRRRRGGGG!! What?

GORDON
You're keeping a box of bugs in this house?

 JEREMY
Obviously

OFFICER KARP
I think now's a good time to take a short recess. 

CONT'D...

I seriously have no idea where I am going with this yet.

House Arrested: The Dick Pic - Part 3.

CONT'D...

OFFICER KARP

Andre I don't know why you're laughing like this doesn't effect you. Because of one of these three idiots this house is about to lose online access. 

The group is stunned to silence.

GORDON

(in his best Martin Lawrence voice)

Shit just got real.

ANDRE

What was that?

GORDON

No one gets that reference?

Wide shot of everyone. No one gets that reference, Gordon looks crushed.

OFFICER KARP

I am also going to recommend that we install security cameras in here.

CONRAD

This is bullshit!

OFFICER KARP

That's what happens when you go showing off your dick on the web Conrad.

CONRAD

I've never shown my dick on the web.

Officer Karp shoots him a look of pure skepticism.

  

CONRAD

I've never shown my dick on the web using THAT computer.  

CONT'D...

A Script About a Bunch of Guys Under House Arrest...Being InvestigatedFor Lewd Picture Allegations...D**k Pics Basically

House Arrested: The show that takes place in a house where all the tenants are sociopathic criminals under house arrest being watched over by the stern Officer Karp. 

SCENE 1 - INT - KITCHEN TABLE

An officer is sitting at a kitchen table with 5 men, all of them have on blinking ankle monitors. Andre (a large black man), Conrad (Caucasian tall, tattooed), Gordon (Caucasian, glasses), Benjamin (Caucasian, typical guy next door look) and Jeremy (creepy, weird).

OFFICER KARP

Which one of you perverts posted a picture of your dick and balls in an adult chatroom yesterday?

No one speaks up.

OFFICER KARP

It's a violation of your parole, I am within my authority to have that person removed from this house and placed back into the provincial prison system. Somebody better step forward and save me an investigation. Benjamin?

BENJAMIN

What, I am your first suspect in a dick pic scandal? That sucks. 

OFFICER KARP

Your account is the only one I saw logged onto the house computer last night.

BENJAMIN

Yeah but I wasn't the only one using the computer, everyone kept stealing it. Conrad and Gordon stole it every time I went to the washroom and I when went to make myself a sandwich Andre sat down and started a movie on it.

ANDRE
Don't tattle.

 BENJAMIN
 You watched Braveheart Andre, it was 3 hours long. I was talking to my family.

OFFICER KARP
Where was Jeremy while all this was going on?

BENJAMIN
I don't know. He was skulking around sort of. In the background. I really try to keep as far from him as I can.

Jeremy doesn't react much, something is off in the way he stares at Benjamin. He doesn't say anything.

OFFICER KARP

 Conrad, do you have any idea where this picture might have come from?

Conrad is seated to the left of the frame, Andre is seated to the right on him followed by Benjamin and Jeremy. Andre is large in the frame, there's something off about Jeremy; there always is.

CONRAD

No but if the dick's black I can probably guess who's it is.

ANDRE

I know; right? It's not me, if it was me he'd know it was me and we wouldn't be having this meeting.

OFFICER KARP

Andre you can be excused from this meeting.

ANDRE

No I want to find out who did it.

GORDON

Why don't you let me see the picture and I'll tell you who's it is?

CONRAD

What the fuck Gordon?

ANDRE

How do you know what our dicks look like?

GORDON

It can't be that hard to tell our dicks apart. I feel like if I had to I could match a dick to it's face.

BENJAMIN

This conversation's getting a bit weird fellas.

OFFICER KARP

For the sake of the individual's privacy I won't be showing any of you the picture in question. Jeremy you're being awfully quiet. 

CONRAD

Don't ruin that.

ANDRE

Don't get Jeremy talking, we don't need him for this. 

OFFICER KARP

Jeremy?

Jeremy stands up and pulls his pants down, exposing himself.

OFFICER KARP

Jesus Jeremy, pull your pants up.

CONRAD

Stop involving him in things.

GORDON

It looked exactly how I thought it would.

CONT'D...

Tom Starts Writing Another Show. This One's About A Bunch Of Psychos Under House Arrest.

I am going to start work on a new half hour show that I've been meaning to write for some time now. I've mentioned it before:

NOT staring Lindsay Lohan

House Arrested - A show that takes place in a house where all the tenants are sociopathic criminals under house arrest. The show revolves around 6 tenants all stuck in the house together and their parole officer Constable Benjamin Carp.

Simple right? I wanted to create a show that's cheap to shoot, uses one location that's easily controlled and at the same time is entertaining and opens itself up to the possibility for strange and exciting adventures. Fill a house with a bunch of uncontrolable, violent and unstable criminals all forced to live under one roof and you can make a show that's simple to shoot but always entertaining. Think of it as Big Brother meets Trailer Park Boys.

Like I always do, I am just going to dive right in and figure out character descriptions along the way. I just want to get writing this thing that's been stuck in my head for so long.

Here we go. House Arrested. Page 1.

What, you expect me to NOT use these pictures?

INT – KITCHEN TABLE.

Six convicts (one of them a large female) wearing ankle monitors and Officer Carp are seated around the kitchen table. There's a silence, all characters are staring at Jeremy with looks of shock and horror.

OFFICER CARP

As I was saying, despite all of that, Jeremy will be staying with us now and I expect all of you to make him feel welcome and help him learn the rules of the house. Calvin I am putting you in charge of showing him around.

CALVIN

Sorry...how many people did you say he killed?

JEREMY

It was only 6 people.

CALVIN

6 is a lot.

OFFICER CARP

Jeremy openly acknowledges his mistakes but he was a very young child when he committed those terrible crimes. He's lived a whole life since then and he's grown up, he hasn't had a repeat incident. Part of his rehabilitation is to integrate him back into a group setting, that's why he's going to be with us now. Indefinitely.

ANDRE

Sorry, how young was he when he killed six people?

JEREMY

Six

ANDRE

What, was it one person for every year you were alive?

Jeremy laughs to himself.

JEREMY

No. I couldn't kill anyone when I was a baby. I just killed them all at once when I was six.

CONRAD

What the hell? Why?

JEREMY

Someone told me to?

CONRAD

Who? Who told you to kill 6 people?

JEREMY

I don't know. I can only hear his voice, he talks to me inside my head.

CONRAD

You mean he USED to talk to you inside your head, right?

JEREMY

Sometimes he still tries to talk to me and he gets mad at me when I don't listen to him but I don't care. I just ignore him.

CONRAD

What does he say?

JEREMY

He just says things to try to make me angry, that's why I don't listen.

CONRAD

Why does he want to make you angry?

JEREMY

He wants to make me do terrible things.

CONRAD

I don't think Jeremy should be living here.

CONT'D...

The Time a Bully Had Me Cornered In The Washroom and My Ballsy Escape.

So today I am going to re-post an article from a while back, it's one of my favorite life stories.

This story goes all the way back to when I was in grade 2. I am not sure how old that would make me but 6 feels about right, I was a tiny kid, chubby face, happy, unkempt hair, real pick-on-able. The kind of kid that this jackass we called Tommy Toomey loved to target. Tommey Toomey was our class's bully, he was several grades older than us and not very popular amongst kids his own age. He spent his recesses chasing down kids ten times smaller than him like a goddamn Tyrannosaurus and he got his nickname from a movie about kids who can jump into stamps and be transported to wherever/whenever the picture on the stamp is from. It was called 'Tommy Tricker and the Stamp Traveller' and as I look that up just now for the first time in about two decades I am smacked in the face with the fact that I am totally remembering his name wrong. Was it Tommy Tricker that we called him? It must have been. Ok, so anyway Tommy Tricker the little a**hole liked to beat me up.

 

I haven't seen it in a while but I am pretty sure

the little douche in the shades is Tommy Tricker
 

That's the set up for the most balsy, bravest, most hardcore thing I've ever done.

One day I found myself in the boys washroom, happily alone and having a pee. I finished up and because even back then I knew it was gross not to; I washed my hands and dried up. Before I could leave; the door opened and I heard the stupid voice of Tommy Tricker coming in, I froze. I didn't have time to hide and I knew the second he saw me he'd come after me. See, earlier in the day he was on top of my friend Mark, beating him up. I ran to the rescue and pushed him off, he promised revenge upon me and now here he was. Standing in front of me; blocking my only exit. He sneered at me and stomped towards me, he couldn't believe his luck. He made sure to let me know just how dead I was. Like...this was happening. I am a little kid, I have a bully coming at me who's about twice the size of me and I have no way out. To get to the door I knew I'd have to go through him; so as I was backing up a plan formed in my 6 year old mind. It's amazing, even as a little kid when your back's up against the wall like that you start thinking tactically. In that moment I was as Batman as I'd ever been and have ever been since.

The doors to the stalls swing outward, I formulated that if I could lure him into place I could grab a hold of the door and shotgun it into his ugly face before he could even react. It was my one shot, I had no chance taking him in a fist fight. AGAIN...I feel the need to point out that these were all actual thoughts I had at that moment. I was 6! I backed up, baiting in Tommy by asking for mercy, and begging him to leave me alone. That's like catnip to a bully, he kept coming. I SPECIFICALLY remember plotting out a plan that involved not looking at the door as I backed up, waiting for it to cross my peripheral vision before I made my move for fear of giving myself away.

Finally Tommy stepped into place, without turning my head I reached for the door. I played my part perfectly, Tommy had no chance to react. That door hit that kid so hard it knocked him right off his feet, I annihilated him. I ran. As I sprung forward the heap on the floor that used to be Tommy Tricker started screaming death threats at me. I could still hear them as I rounded the corner into my classroom to safety. I was 6!

File photo

The best part is that he never did get his revenge, he left school not long after.

TOM TRIES MODELING

I hate having my picture taken. I hate having my picture taken more than just about anything in this world. I know that when I see that picture it's going to ruin my day, I know that I am going to pull some stupid 'derp' face and look ugly. I can't help it.

Can someone please pass the derp?

Recently though I was invited to try modelling for a friend who promised she'd be patient and make me feel comfortable enough to open up to the camera. She said she thought I would make a really good model...she was wrong. We took about 40 shots, 38 of them were...what's the word?

derp?

And two of them were surprisingly usable. Ladies and gentlem...actually just ladies, my modeling debut and finale:

Anyway so I did that. I also had to re-write and re-format three scripts and a pitch package for my show idea 'DOPE' which I am now actively shopping.

DOPE by Thomas Holler

DOPE – The Department of Paranormal Events is the low level branch of the provincial government where Investigations and Removals specialists ROONEY, ERVIN and RANDAL are pitted up against ghosts, goblins, demons, vampires, zombies and more ghosts all for less pay than the city gives to their average parking enforcement officer.

DOPE is a story about a lower level branch of the provincial government dedicated to protecting the public against paranormal pests. It’s about a group of ghost exterminators trained in haunting investigations, possessions, vampirification and zombification cases, hobgoblin removal and anything else their miserable supervisor Mr. Dickmeyer demands of them. ROONEY, ERVIN and RANDAL find themselves in life threatening situations almost every day, facing off against creatures thousands of times more dangerous than anything your typical exterminator can imagine. Because the debate about the existence of the paranormal will always be ongoing with many people still unconvinced skeptics; the Department of Paranormal Events is the least funded branch of the government; meaning our guys are risking their lives for a little under $25,000 a year.

 And I worked on some re-shoots for this short film we've been working on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WN29ceMh_QI

By the end of the year I want to have two fully developed and written treatments/scripts for two very different and marketable shows.

-APE-