WTF?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I just found the weirdest little side note to a story.

I am sitting here reading a wikipedia page about an old Egyptian army that went missing in the desert because that's the kind of thing I do and something really jumped out at me. It was the words "severed penis". I thought "heh...weird, I wasn't expecting that to come into play". The accompanying explanation was weirder than I thought...I thought maybe they were chopping off their penises (I just learned I had no idea what the plural of the word 'penis' was) for ceremonial reasons. I knew I was reading an article about a lost ancient Egyptian army and I knew severed penises (or penii) were a part of this story in some way and my mind's first conclusion was that of a weird, ancient penis ceremony where they chop them off, maybe as a sacrifice to the gods. That wasn't it.

In November 2009, two Italian archaeologists, Angelo and Alfredo Castiglioni, announced the discovery of human remains, tools and weapons which date to the era of the Persian army. These artifacts were located near Siwa Oasis.^[16] According to these two archaeologists this is the first archaeological evidence of the story reported by Herodotus. While working in the area, the researchers noticed a half-buried pot and some human remains. Then the brothers spotted something really intriguing—what could have been a natural shelter. It was a rock about 35 meters (115 feet) long, 1.8 meters (5.9 feet) high and 3 meters (9.8 feet) deep. Such natural formations occur in the desert, but this large rock was the only one in a large area.^[17]

However, these "two Italian archaeologists" presented their discoveries in a film rather than a scientific journal. Doubts have been raised because the Castiglioni brothers also happen to be the two filmmakers who produced five controversial African shockumentaries in the 1970s—including Addio ultimo uomo, Africa ama, and Africa dolce e selvaggia—films in which audiences saw unedited footage of the severing of a penis, the skinning of a human corpse, the deflowering of a girl with a stone phallus, and a group of hunters tearing apart an elephant’s carcass.^[18]

The Secretary General of the Egyptian Supreme Council of Antiquities, Zahi Hawass, has said in a press release that media reports of this "are unfounded and misleading" and that "The Castiglioni brothers have not been granted permission by the SCA to excavate in Egypt, so anything they claim to find is not to be believed."^[19]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cambyses_II#The_lost_army_of_Cambyses

Why? Why didn't I have the 'safe search' turned on when I googled "penis ritual"?

My First Movie Script Is About A Guy Who's Girlfriend Thinks He Wants To Kill Her, But He Loves Her. It's Complicated.

I took a long break from this blog, as it turns out coming up with a movie to write can take a while. Months actually. It's a huge project to tackle, in terms of work load it's like writing three essays back to back. I know I have to do it though. Its something I've always wanted to do, I kind of feel like I need to. Still though, as motivated as I felt to get a script started it still took several frustrating weeks before I settled on an idea (my fifth actually) that I was confident enough with. All my other idea I picked apart, with this one though the more thought I gave it the more I came up with ideas to add to it. I set out to write a romantic comedy and I ended up with an idea for a "Romantic Comedy Horror Thriller". I am calling it "I am Not a Weirdo"

 I'm using this blog to write it. It's my first movie script. I am starting now.

"I AM NOT A WEIRDO"

by Thomas Holler

EXT - OUTSIDE ABIGALE'S HOUSE

Outside of a large, old house a moving van is being unloaded. The house is all white with old brick, old architecture and even old creepy statues scattered along the property. It's a very old house. On the truck two men are unloading the last of some boxes, the older of the two is Abigale's father Richard, he's being helped by Abigale's close friend Bryce. On the walkway to the house two more men have stopped. Douglas and Grant, both have boxes in their hands. Both have stopped dead in their tracks and are staring, eyebrows furled at one of the unnerving statues along the walkway. They stand face to face with an especially creepy statue.

GRANT

God...I bet as soon as night falls these things are coming alive and trying to kill you.

DOUGLAS

Don't put that in my head.

GRANT

So Abby lived here when she was a kid? These things must have given her nightmares.

DOUGLAS

Nah, my girl doesn't get nightmares. She smiles when she sleeps.

Abigale sneaks up behind them while they're inspecting the statue.

ABIGALE

(sarcastically)

Yeah so those boxes actually go inside the house.

DOUGLAS

Sorry Munchkin. We were meeting the neighbors.

Grant pics up his box and heads inside.

ABIGALE

Oooo...want me to introduce you. This is Bert and that's Ernie and Crispy over there. I named them when I was really little...obviously.

DOUGLAS

You were a brave kid, huh?

ABIGALE

Actually all of these statues used to scare me when I was a kid. 

DOUGLAS

Yeah (duh).

ABIGALE

But then my dad told me these were here to guard the house. They keep badguys away.

RICHARD

We'll see about that. 

Richard shoots Douglas a snarky look to go along with his snide remark as he walks past with the last of the boxes.

ABIGALE

He hasn't really warmed to you moving in here with me.

DOUGLAS

Oh, I noticed.

ABIGALE

I am his little girl and this is our family house, it means a lot to him.

DOUGLAS

He gave it to you.

ABIGALE

I know. He knows. Just give it time, let him get used to it.

Bryce politely walks up behind Abigale.

BRYCE

Hey, Abby. The truck's unloaded, I was actually thinking about getting going.

ABIGALE

Nooooo. Stay! I have to pay you back with pizza for helping me. 

BRYCE

(smiles)

Thanks but how about you owe me. Buy me lunch on Monday.

ABIGALE

Deal. 

The two hug.

ABIGALE

Thank you. You're the best.

DOUGLAS

It was nice meeting you Bryce. Thanks for helping out.

Bryce moves in, the two shake hands and lock eyes.

DOUGLAS

Appreciate it.

BRYCE

Don't mention it. Nice meeting you.

Bryce heads off to his car. Douglas picks up his box and heads inside with Abigale. Bryce looks back. The front door closes. The statues stay still.

...CONT'D

Alright, as far as first pages go I am happy with it. I've already introduced every major character. Success.

-APE-

Tom Persists

I am back on this romantic comedy idea. I know I need to write a feature length movie script, its a goal of mine to write several movie scripts so I should probably get started on it.

Instead of staring at a blank computer screen I decided to plot it out by hand using my only table and sticky pads. I have act one sort of plotted out, I am trying to get at least a rough plot breakdown finished this week because I really need that table back. I spilled soup on my stomach earlier today, a direct result of not having a usable table.

Here's a one sentance tagline for my romantic comedy idea: What exactly are we calling 'internet stalking' these days?

REVISIT: The Time I Wrote A Horror Movie About Being Lost At Sea And Stalked By A Seamonster.

 

I used this blog to write a short horror movie once, I say "short" because the script is less than 20 pages but I swear to god when I read it back it's a feature length film in my head.

It was a slow burning creepy sea monster movie, relying on the vulnerability and horror of being alone at sea for much of the terror. This is the story of poor Darcy who's beautiful husband Cade takes on a honeymoon sail around the world. It was meant to be their first adventure together, it was their last. Cade disappears at sea, leaving Darcy all alone. Stalked by something in the water.

"The disbelief hits her, it only took a few panicked seconds for her to search the small boat and he's nowhere to be found. She runs out onto the bow, her head spinning. He has to be in the water, he HAS to be in the water. She screams out again and again at the top of her lungs until her throat is coarse. 

Darcy

CAAAAAADE!

Silence. Darcy is frozen where she stands, silently begging Cade to show himself. She runs over to the radio; it's been destroyed by the storm. She goes back into the boat and tears it apart, looking for anything but finding nothing, no sign of where Cade went. She cries and screams until finally passing out from the stress."

http://tcqscripts.blogspot.com/2013/07/lurking-everything-right-up-until-post.html

MONOLOGUE MONDAYS - A Guy Who Says He's A Vampire Get's Called A Poseur.

VAMPIRE WANNABE

Yeah fine, believe what you want to believe but I never said vampires couldn't go in the sunlight. I said we don't LIKE the sunlight. It's bad for our skin, I just make that noise and run away from it when we go outside because I just...I hate it that much. It's gross, *HISSSSSSSSSSSSS. This doesn't prove anything! Close those drapes and about that ice cream cone, that doesn't prove anything either. I never said I ONLY drink blood, I said I MOSTLY drink blood. You never see it because obviously I don't do it in front of you, when I am around you I drink beer, I eat cobb salad sometimes and YES I have some Oreos or a half-moon or a muffin at my desk but I drink human blood ALL the time when I am at home. So, you know what...forget about me drinking this blood you got me. Not because I don't love blood, obviously I love blood but I am not going to just drink this to prove a point to you. That's GROSS by the way, bringing me a vial of blood to drink. I said I was hungry for blood as a joke, I didn't think you'd pull some out of your pocket. I already drank a bunch of blood in the bathroom and just didn't tell you. I don't tell you every time I drink someone's blood, so get out of here with these allegations. I told you, I don't feel the need to prove myself. Back in my old town I used to have to turn into a bat all the time for people just to prove that I was a vampire, it was demeaning. That's why you've never seen me do it, I promised myself I'd only turn into a bat when no one's around. So f**k off with this judgement Stephanie! 

-END-

I am Just Going To Level With You...

 I hate the romcom I am writing, it's not working. Having the characters meet online seemed like a good idea because that's how everyone meets these days but the way it's playing out on paper won't work on screen. I don't even know where I am going with it and I am not motivated to see this story's finish. If I am struggling to come on here and write (and I am, mightily) that that to me is a very clear indication that this story isn't worth writing. Everything good that I've ever written has poured out of my head and onto the page fluidly, with almost no effort. I never felt like I had to turn the bottle upside down and bang on it to get the words to come out but that's how I feel right now. I am scrapping this script, I know I can do better. I need to find a story that writes itself, I want to be excited about what I am working on.

Tom WILL write a romantic comedy, he just needs to come up with one first.

In the meantime, here's a real life text I got that's funnier than anything I've come up with so far.

Tom's Rom-Com. Part...3?

Alright, this is slow going but I am slowly plugging away at it.

Here's what I have previously

"MONDAY"

Andy is working at his desk, typing away at his computer. His phone sits at his desk beside him. He keeps glancing at it.

Narrator/Andy: Monday. We texted back and forth all weekend. We started talking on Saturday and I already know where she works, where she went to school, her favorite bars, what music she listens to, what she likes to do on weekends...and she knows all that stuff about me. Well obviously I lied about what I do with my weekends, I am not telling her I laid on my couch for two days. I made something up.

Andy's phone buzzes, he stealthily picks it up, it's from Cassie. He smiles.

Narrator/Andy: Look at that smile. It happens every time my phone goes off, Cassie's like Christmas. Each text is a new present to unwrap. 

Andy looks up from the phone for just a second to see a coworker staring sternly at him, taking note of his casual cell phone usage during business hours. He puts down his cell and goes back to work, feeling frustrated that he can't check his phone. He's like a junky thinking about his next fix, Andy tries to work through his urge. 

The phone buzzes again and Andy doesn't even hesitate, in one motion he locks up his desk, scoops up his phone and walks to the washroom. He finds a stall, takes the time to put down a sani-seat and sits down on the toilet, pants on.

He checks his phone, he smiles.

Narrator/Andy: (Doing a Cassie impression) "Hey Andyyyyyyyyyy. I am so busy today, we're overbooked and I am doing double the work. I had to be in at 6am today :( Anyway, I needed a distraction and I thought of you." Aww, you see what's happening here? She needs a smile and she came to me. Goddamn it that made my day.

Andy responds and then stands back up to leave the stall, he stops himself.

Narrator/Andy: Actually, shit. I can't really go to the washroom later if they all saw me go in here just now. Hold it in later or try to make something happen now? Hold it in later or go now?

Andy starts to undo his belt and unbutton his pants.

Narrator/Andy: Ugggggggg, alright. 

Cont'd...

That's a good place to stop, right? Women like seeing guys use the toilet in romantic comedies don't they?