House Arrested: The Dick Pic - Part 3.

CONT'D...

OFFICER KARP

Andre I don't know why you're laughing like this doesn't effect you. Because of one of these three idiots this house is about to lose online access. 

The group is stunned to silence.

GORDON

(in his best Martin Lawrence voice)

Shit just got real.

ANDRE

What was that?

GORDON

No one gets that reference?

Wide shot of everyone. No one gets that reference, Gordon looks crushed.

OFFICER KARP

I am also going to recommend that we install security cameras in here.

CONRAD

This is bullshit!

OFFICER KARP

That's what happens when you go showing off your dick on the web Conrad.

CONRAD

I've never shown my dick on the web.

Officer Karp shoots him a look of pure skepticism.

  

CONRAD

I've never shown my dick on the web using THAT computer.  

CONT'D...

This Post May Offend - House Arrested: The Dick Pic - Part 2

I am continuing to piece together a pilot episode for a show I want to develop about a bunch of guys under house arrest, I am tailoring this to be an internet series so I am being a lot more liberal in my use of language and subject matter. Sorry if it offends. This is pretty much stream of thought writing, I don't really have this story plotted out yet so I am just coming up with it on the fly. I know where I want to get to.

CONT'D...

OFFICER KARP

Well like it or not unless someone steps forward you're all going to have to drop your pants. Except for Andre and Jeremy.

BENJAMIN
So what; now Jeremy's out too?

OFFICER KARP
Jeremy's penis did not display the characteristics we're looking for. The picture has to belong to one of you three.

Andre laughs, he's enjoying this.

BENJAMIN

This is a witch hunt! 

GORDON 
What if I just tell you what my penis looks like, will that help clear my name?
I am about 7 inches long...

CONRAD
Bullshit! 

ANDRE
There's no way you're walking around with anything over 6 inches.

GORDON
Why; because I am white?

ANDRE

YES!

BENJAMIN

No, I am white and I am about seven inches.

CONRAD

Zero chance of that being true. Every guy says he's 7 inches if you ask him but do you know how many guys actually are? Only like a third of all guys.

BENJAMIN

And what are you?

CONRAD

7 inches. That's how I know you two are lying. 

ANDRE

All of you are lying.

CONT'D...

A Script About a Bunch of Guys Under House Arrest...Being InvestigatedFor Lewd Picture Allegations...D**k Pics Basically

House Arrested: The show that takes place in a house where all the tenants are sociopathic criminals under house arrest being watched over by the stern Officer Karp. 

SCENE 1 - INT - KITCHEN TABLE

An officer is sitting at a kitchen table with 5 men, all of them have on blinking ankle monitors. Andre (a large black man), Conrad (Caucasian tall, tattooed), Gordon (Caucasian, glasses), Benjamin (Caucasian, typical guy next door look) and Jeremy (creepy, weird).

OFFICER KARP

Which one of you perverts posted a picture of your dick and balls in an adult chatroom yesterday?

No one speaks up.

OFFICER KARP

It's a violation of your parole, I am within my authority to have that person removed from this house and placed back into the provincial prison system. Somebody better step forward and save me an investigation. Benjamin?

BENJAMIN

What, I am your first suspect in a dick pic scandal? That sucks. 

OFFICER KARP

Your account is the only one I saw logged onto the house computer last night.

BENJAMIN

Yeah but I wasn't the only one using the computer, everyone kept stealing it. Conrad and Gordon stole it every time I went to the washroom and I when went to make myself a sandwich Andre sat down and started a movie on it.

ANDRE
Don't tattle.

 BENJAMIN
 You watched Braveheart Andre, it was 3 hours long. I was talking to my family.

OFFICER KARP
Where was Jeremy while all this was going on?

BENJAMIN
I don't know. He was skulking around sort of. In the background. I really try to keep as far from him as I can.

Jeremy doesn't react much, something is off in the way he stares at Benjamin. He doesn't say anything.

OFFICER KARP

 Conrad, do you have any idea where this picture might have come from?

Conrad is seated to the left of the frame, Andre is seated to the right on him followed by Benjamin and Jeremy. Andre is large in the frame, there's something off about Jeremy; there always is.

CONRAD

No but if the dick's black I can probably guess who's it is.

ANDRE

I know; right? It's not me, if it was me he'd know it was me and we wouldn't be having this meeting.

OFFICER KARP

Andre you can be excused from this meeting.

ANDRE

No I want to find out who did it.

GORDON

Why don't you let me see the picture and I'll tell you who's it is?

CONRAD

What the fuck Gordon?

ANDRE

How do you know what our dicks look like?

GORDON

It can't be that hard to tell our dicks apart. I feel like if I had to I could match a dick to it's face.

BENJAMIN

This conversation's getting a bit weird fellas.

OFFICER KARP

For the sake of the individual's privacy I won't be showing any of you the picture in question. Jeremy you're being awfully quiet. 

CONRAD

Don't ruin that.

ANDRE

Don't get Jeremy talking, we don't need him for this. 

OFFICER KARP

Jeremy?

Jeremy stands up and pulls his pants down, exposing himself.

OFFICER KARP

Jesus Jeremy, pull your pants up.

CONRAD

Stop involving him in things.

GORDON

It looked exactly how I thought it would.

CONT'D...

Eureka!!!! Dick Pics.

I've had for a while now a great idea for an ongoing comedy series that takes place in a house where everyone who lives there is under house arrest. The show is about those men and their parole officer and I've been struggling to come up with a really good plot for the pilot episode. I want it to jump off with something that's funny, big and attention grabbing and now I've finally got it.

Episode 1:

Officer Karp calls a tenants meeting to let the prisoners know that one of them has violated house protocol by leaving a picture of his dick on the house's computer. He intends to find out who's dick it is. 

Its Shakespearian isn't it? I start tomorrow.

Tom Starts Writing Another Show. This One's About A Bunch Of Psychos Under House Arrest.

I am going to start work on a new half hour show that I've been meaning to write for some time now. I've mentioned it before:

NOT staring Lindsay Lohan

House Arrested - A show that takes place in a house where all the tenants are sociopathic criminals under house arrest. The show revolves around 6 tenants all stuck in the house together and their parole officer Constable Benjamin Carp.

Simple right? I wanted to create a show that's cheap to shoot, uses one location that's easily controlled and at the same time is entertaining and opens itself up to the possibility for strange and exciting adventures. Fill a house with a bunch of uncontrolable, violent and unstable criminals all forced to live under one roof and you can make a show that's simple to shoot but always entertaining. Think of it as Big Brother meets Trailer Park Boys.

Like I always do, I am just going to dive right in and figure out character descriptions along the way. I just want to get writing this thing that's been stuck in my head for so long.

Here we go. House Arrested. Page 1.

What, you expect me to NOT use these pictures?

INT – KITCHEN TABLE.

Six convicts (one of them a large female) wearing ankle monitors and Officer Carp are seated around the kitchen table. There's a silence, all characters are staring at Jeremy with looks of shock and horror.

OFFICER CARP

As I was saying, despite all of that, Jeremy will be staying with us now and I expect all of you to make him feel welcome and help him learn the rules of the house. Calvin I am putting you in charge of showing him around.

CALVIN

Sorry...how many people did you say he killed?

JEREMY

It was only 6 people.

CALVIN

6 is a lot.

OFFICER CARP

Jeremy openly acknowledges his mistakes but he was a very young child when he committed those terrible crimes. He's lived a whole life since then and he's grown up, he hasn't had a repeat incident. Part of his rehabilitation is to integrate him back into a group setting, that's why he's going to be with us now. Indefinitely.

ANDRE

Sorry, how young was he when he killed six people?

JEREMY

Six

ANDRE

What, was it one person for every year you were alive?

Jeremy laughs to himself.

JEREMY

No. I couldn't kill anyone when I was a baby. I just killed them all at once when I was six.

CONRAD

What the hell? Why?

JEREMY

Someone told me to?

CONRAD

Who? Who told you to kill 6 people?

JEREMY

I don't know. I can only hear his voice, he talks to me inside my head.

CONRAD

You mean he USED to talk to you inside your head, right?

JEREMY

Sometimes he still tries to talk to me and he gets mad at me when I don't listen to him but I don't care. I just ignore him.

CONRAD

What does he say?

JEREMY

He just says things to try to make me angry, that's why I don't listen.

CONRAD

Why does he want to make you angry?

JEREMY

He wants to make me do terrible things.

CONRAD

I don't think Jeremy should be living here.

CONT'D...

The Killrazor Experiment: An experiment to see if I can get one of the coolest but most obscure characters in comic book history into the mainstream by teaching the internet about him.

KILLRAZOR!!!!

I want to introduce you guys to an obscure character from an obscure comic called Codename Strykeforce by Image Comics, he's got the sleekest costume, the coolest power and he never talks. His name is Killrazor and he can punch huge razors out of any part of his body, ANY part of his body. There's no limit to how many Razors he can pop out at a time; so does that make him cooler than Wolverine? Well...it's hard to ignore the math. My point is this...

THIS!

Yes. He's a ninja. Obviously, and like most ninja's he adheres to a strict code of silence. The man has only ever made a noise once in his life and it was after eating some very spicy food. That's not a joke either, I remember that being specifically stated in one of the issues. He never talks; so now all of a sudden he's like Snake Eyes from GI Joe if Snake Eyes could PUNCH HUGE RAZORS OUT OF ANY PART OF HIS BODY.

Here he is showing you all that he's cooler than this other 'claw' guy named Ripclaw (pffffffttt).

I remember that issue, Ripclaw was trying to impress KR with how long he can make his claws stretch. Without saying a word Killrazor says "F**k your claws" and "You're making as asshole out of yourself".

Killrazor

I'd tell you a lot more about his origin but it wasn't explored in depth, he has a wiki-page you can visit ( http://www.comicvine.com/killrazor/29-21927/) you'll notice it's lacking. He only made a handful of appearances but each one of them gave us picture that hits our eyes like a shot of whiskey hits our mouths.

One other area where he separates himself from Wolverine is that it hurts him to pop his Razors out, each time comes with a painful cost.

Really, what help were the neck Razors with those arrows?

The only thing uglier and more disgusting than his scarred up body is his gingery red hair.

Kill F'N Razor

-APE-

-END-

The Time a Bully Had Me Cornered In The Washroom and My Ballsy Escape.

So today I am going to re-post an article from a while back, it's one of my favorite life stories.

This story goes all the way back to when I was in grade 2. I am not sure how old that would make me but 6 feels about right, I was a tiny kid, chubby face, happy, unkempt hair, real pick-on-able. The kind of kid that this jackass we called Tommy Toomey loved to target. Tommey Toomey was our class's bully, he was several grades older than us and not very popular amongst kids his own age. He spent his recesses chasing down kids ten times smaller than him like a goddamn Tyrannosaurus and he got his nickname from a movie about kids who can jump into stamps and be transported to wherever/whenever the picture on the stamp is from. It was called 'Tommy Tricker and the Stamp Traveller' and as I look that up just now for the first time in about two decades I am smacked in the face with the fact that I am totally remembering his name wrong. Was it Tommy Tricker that we called him? It must have been. Ok, so anyway Tommy Tricker the little a**hole liked to beat me up.

 

I haven't seen it in a while but I am pretty sure

the little douche in the shades is Tommy Tricker
 

That's the set up for the most balsy, bravest, most hardcore thing I've ever done.

One day I found myself in the boys washroom, happily alone and having a pee. I finished up and because even back then I knew it was gross not to; I washed my hands and dried up. Before I could leave; the door opened and I heard the stupid voice of Tommy Tricker coming in, I froze. I didn't have time to hide and I knew the second he saw me he'd come after me. See, earlier in the day he was on top of my friend Mark, beating him up. I ran to the rescue and pushed him off, he promised revenge upon me and now here he was. Standing in front of me; blocking my only exit. He sneered at me and stomped towards me, he couldn't believe his luck. He made sure to let me know just how dead I was. Like...this was happening. I am a little kid, I have a bully coming at me who's about twice the size of me and I have no way out. To get to the door I knew I'd have to go through him; so as I was backing up a plan formed in my 6 year old mind. It's amazing, even as a little kid when your back's up against the wall like that you start thinking tactically. In that moment I was as Batman as I'd ever been and have ever been since.

The doors to the stalls swing outward, I formulated that if I could lure him into place I could grab a hold of the door and shotgun it into his ugly face before he could even react. It was my one shot, I had no chance taking him in a fist fight. AGAIN...I feel the need to point out that these were all actual thoughts I had at that moment. I was 6! I backed up, baiting in Tommy by asking for mercy, and begging him to leave me alone. That's like catnip to a bully, he kept coming. I SPECIFICALLY remember plotting out a plan that involved not looking at the door as I backed up, waiting for it to cross my peripheral vision before I made my move for fear of giving myself away.

Finally Tommy stepped into place, without turning my head I reached for the door. I played my part perfectly, Tommy had no chance to react. That door hit that kid so hard it knocked him right off his feet, I annihilated him. I ran. As I sprung forward the heap on the floor that used to be Tommy Tricker started screaming death threats at me. I could still hear them as I rounded the corner into my classroom to safety. I was 6!

File photo

The best part is that he never did get his revenge, he left school not long after.