Did I mention I was Canadian?

The Biggest Hater In The World

I came up with a written short series that costs nothing to shoot. It's made to look like one friend just pulled out his phone and started filming his other friend to show the world what a huge hater he is. It's meant to be the absolute cheapest, simplest, low maintenance, funny internet series I can possibly think of. Each episode would be a dissection of why this guy hates on different things.

Andre is pointing an iphone at Conrad. Conrad is on camera.

ANDRE
(voice off camera)

Yo. This is my friend Conrad, he's the biggest hater in the world. 

Conrad pulls out his phone and starts filming back at Andre

 ANDRE
Why are you filming this?

Cut to a shot from Conrad's perspective, Andre on camera.

CONRAD
(off camera)

For legal reasons. I don't trust you. I want my own copy of what's going on here.

ANDRE

(speaking to the audience)

 See what I am saying? Watch this.

Conrad, why do you hate my friend Rondell?

Andre's perspective.

CONRAD

Who's Rondell?

ANDRE

(off camera)

You met him a few times. He was at my house when you came over to watch the Raptors game.

CONRAD

I honestly don't know who Rondell is.

ANDRE

(off camera)

You told me you don't like him because of his jeans.

CONRAD

Oh that guy. Yeah. I don't like him. So?

ANDRE

(off camera)

You said it was because he wore those faded jeans.

CONRAD

It wasn't JUST those jeans.

He wore other jeans that pissed me off, he wore those jeans with the big red patches that other time.

Conrad's perspective.

ANDRE

So?

CONRAD

( off camera)

Why does he do that?

ANDRE

That's just his style, that's what he likes. 

CONRAD

(off camera)

Who needs to spice up their jeans that much? I don't like it.

ANDRE

You're the fashion police? If someone doesn't dress how you like then you hate them?

CONRAD

(off camera)

It's not only about his jeans. He did other stuff.

ANDRE

Like what?

CONRAD

He kept asking if he could have my Oh Henry bar.

ANDRE

(laughs)

Oh yeah.

Andre's perspective.

CONRAD

Remember that? I met up with you guys after the gym. I had an Oh Henry and he kept asking if he could have it.

ANDRE

(off camera)

I remember that. He only asked you twice though.

CONRAD

Why would he even ask me once? Obviously I bought it because I wanted it.

ANDRE

(off camera)

Yeah that was weird, you still don't hate someone over that though.

CONRAD

What kind of dick asks you for your chocolate bar?
I told him the first time "uhhhh no. I bought this for myself" and he still asked me again later.

ANDRE

(off camera)

And that's it, now you hate him?

CONRAD

The chocolate bar thing really did it.

Conrad's perspective.

ANDRE

Wow.

So now you legitimately hate this guy?

CONRAD

 With good reason. 

ANDRE

Because you don't like his jeans and because he asked you if he could have your chocolate bar.

CONRAD

(off camera)

A couple times he asked. It's not like I had a whole bunch of chocolate bars either, I had ONE in my hand. Screw him.

Andre's perspective, we end with the shot of Conrad with Andre's voice over.

ANDRE

That's my friend Conrad, biggest hater in the world. 

-END-

So each episode would be a discussion on why Conrad hates something, Conrad hates everything and everyone due to the smallest of infractions. 

I shall call this 'Jackie Chan Facing', it is the most important thing that I've ever done.

Cats or Komodo Dragons - Which Is The Better Housepet

CONT'D...

Previously

INT-Kitchen

Andre comes running into the kitchen.

ANDRE

Call the exterminator!

JEREMY

We don't need an exterminator for one mouse; just put some cheese down for it and it'll leave you alone.

ANDRE

What do you mean "leave me alone"?

JEREMY

I'll take care of it. I'll just leave some cheese out tonight.

ANDRE

And?

JEREMY

And he won't bother us. He just wants cheese.

ANDRE

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

GORDON

Jeremy do you think we're worried that we won't be able to like...live harmoniously with the mouse? 

JEREMY

Well we can just give him the cheese, then he gets what he wants and leaves.

GORDON

That's not how a mouse thinks!

JEREMY

He thinks about cheese. He's just trying to get our cheese, if we give him our cheese he'll think "I have all their cheese, now I can leave"

GORDON

No! He thinks "Oh boy! There's a lot of cheese in this house, I'll live here forever and start a family."

JEREMY

Well we'll find out. 

CONRAD

Benjamin confiscate the cheese.

BENJAMIN

I am on it.

Benjamin goes into the fridge and takes out the house's cheese, it's a large block of cheese. Benjamin guards it.

ANDRE

Don't feed rodents Jeremy, otherwise they never leave.

BENJAMIN

This is why I think we should have asked for a cat.

JEREMY

What would a cat do?

BENJAMIN

Uhhh...cats eat mice.

JEREMY
Cats don't care about mice.

BENJAMIN
Cats HATE mice!

JEREMY
I don't think so.

ANDRE
Cat's kill mice Jeremy. Everyone knows that.

CONRAD
You didn't watch cartoons growing up?

JEREMY
There was never any cartoon about mice...and cats.

GORDON
Oh my god!
Tom and Jerry
Itchy and Scratchy
So many others...

 JEREMY
Yeah but you never see them fighting. 

GORDON
THAT'S ALL THEY DO!

ANDRE
CATS ALWAYS GO AFTER MICE!

JEREMY
I don't think so.

GORDON
ARRRRRRRGGG!!!

JEREMY
Why do you care?

GORDON
It's ANNOYING. It's annoying that you don't know this. Babies know this.

ANDRE
Alright. Enough, we're getting a cat.

JEREMY
Why don't we just get a lizard?

GORDON
(loudly)
Because it's a lizard!

JEREMY
 We can get one that bites mice with poison though, cats don't have poison when they bite.

CONRAD
Ok lets vote on it. How many people think we should get a cat?

Everyone except Jeremy raises their hand

CONRAD

How many people think we should unleash a poisonous lizard in this house to run around and bite us with venom when we reach for the remote?

Jeremy raises his hand

CONRAD

and that's how we got a cat.

INT - LIVING ROOM

They have a cat.

-END-

Well that was stupid. 

 

I Saw A Mouse Run Across My Floor Once. Scared The Crap Out Of Me.

House Arrested: The series of shorts that take place in a house where all the tenants are sociopathic criminals under house arrest being watched over by the stern Officer Karp.
 

GORDON - Annoying, kind of snotty.

ANDRE - Large black guy, sensible. 

CONRAD - Shaved head, tattoos, asshole.

BENJAMIN - Normal, nice, guy next door.

JEREMY - Weird.

EPISODE 3: Mice are scary.

INT - KITCHEN

Conrad is walking in the kitchen with a plate of food when mouse skitters across the room and out the door. That mouse scares the shit out of Conrad, he drops his plate of food and screams. Gordon and Benjamin run in to see what happened.

CONRAD

HOLY SHIT!

BENJAMIN

What? What happened?

CONRAD

I saw a mouse.

GORDON
(Condescendingly)
You're scared of mice.

CONRAD
Have you ever seen a mouse skitter across the floor when you're not expecting it? There's just something about it that makes your skin jump. It's horrifying.

Benjamin sees something and screams.

BENJAMIN
AHHHHHH!!!

GORDON
ARRRHHHHH!!

CONRAD
AAAAAHHH!!

GORDON
What are you screaming at?

BENJAMIN
That.
(pointing to something off camera)

GORDON
That shoe?

BENJAMIN
Sorry.

CONRAD
Don't do that again!

Beat 

The mouse skitters across the doorway. All three men scream.

BENJAMIN

ARRRGG!!!

GORDON

ARRRGGG!!!

CONRAD

ARRRGGG!!!!

The three catch their breath and lock their eyes, they know they have a serious problem.

Suddenly Jeremy jumps into the doorway from the hall.

JEREMY

BOO!

No one reacts, they all just look at him. Jeremy's smile deflates.

ANDRE

(voice from off camera)

ARRRRRGGGG!!!

WHAT WAS THAT?

WHAT WAS THAT?

He saw the mouse.

CONT'D...

Which one of us do you think would taste the best if we ate them?

House Arrested: The show that takes place in a house where all the tenants are sociopathic criminals under house arrest being watched over by the stern Officer Karp.

GORDON - Annoying, kind of snotty.

ANDRE - Large black guy, sensible. 

CONRAD - Shaved head, tattoos, asshole.

BENJAMIN - Normal, nice, guy next door.

JEREMY - Weird.

  

INT - LIVING ROOM

Five guys are scattered throughout the living room, the TV is on in the background.

GORDON

Let me ask you guys a question, and I am being totally hypothetical here.

ANDRE

Ok.

GORDON

Which one of us do you think would taste the best if we ate them?

ANDRE and CONRAD

Benjamin.

BENJAMIN

What?

TITLE: House Arrested - Episode 2 (Only not that. Something else because I hate that title).

CONRAD

Here's the thing. I would be gamey because I have too much muscle.

ANDRE

I'd be really gamey. We don't eat lions.

CONRAD

We don't eat lions.

GORDON

I'd be gamey.

CONRAD

You'd be the farthest thing from gamey, you'd be like veal. Lucky for you I am not crazy about veal. I'd rather eat Benjamin.

BENJAMIN

I want to know. What makes me so delicious?

GORDON

You just look like you'd cook up nice. You have just the right amount of fat, not too much but enough to give the meat that nice chew; y'know?

ANDRE

A little bit of gristle.

GORDON

Yeah.

JEREMY

I am getting kinda hungry.

CONRAD

I feel like with me...
(Conrad starts to squeeze and size up various parts of his body, his arms, legs and chest)
I don't really know where that really good meat would be but with you you'd just cut up so nice because I can see so many places that I could get a good hunk of meat from.

GORDON

I've always thought you'd be perfect for a stew.

ANDRE

Yeah, a lot of that breast meat I can't eat because it looks too fatty but that would be good in a stew.

JEREMY

I am going to go start peeling potatoes. 

Jeremy leaves. After he does we can hear him banging around in the kitchen, pulling out pots, chopping vegetables and running water.

BENJAMIN

So I am just one big delicious pig to you guys then?

CONRAD

Yes.

BENJAMIN

Am I in danger?

 GORDON

Real quick...If we did cook up Benjamin which part would you want to eat the most?

CONRAD

It's tough to say. I don't really know where Benjamin has his steak meat. 

ANDRE

That back fat around his waist, that's his sirloin. I'd have that.

CONRAD

Where does brisket come from?

ANDRE

His chest area.

CONRAD

I'd have that.

GORDON

No, you can't I am using that for my stew. 

CONRAD

Shit. Ribs then, I'd barbeque them up.

BENJAMIN

You know what's weird? This is making me hungry.

GORDON

Yeah what's Jeremy making in there? It smells good. 

INT-KITCHEN

The guys go to the kitchen to see Jeremy feverishly working away, chopping veggies and throwing them into a couple of large boiling pots.

GORDON

Oh wow, you really went to work; huh?

JEREMY

I am really busy, I am trying to get everything prepared so we can eat.

ANDRE

That smells good. Do you want help?

JEREMY

Yeah, that'd be great.

ANDRE

Alright what do you want me to do?

JEREMY

I am going to get these potatoes ready to go in the pot but I need someone to help me chop these onions, I want to make a marinade sauce. I need someone to shred garlic, Conrad that's you. I think we have fresh cloves in the back. Andre don't use that knife on those onions, use the duller knife. Gordon's going to need the good knife for Benjamin. Gordon take Benjamin up to the bathroom and into the tub before you slit his throat. The blood's going to need to drain for an hour or so which gives us just enough time to get this marinade ready, Conrad I need you to add salt and vinegar to that and actually...I think I have a wine sauce upstairs that would be perfect for this. Conrad hold off on that vinegar, Gordan after you kill Benjamin on your way back go into my room and find my cooking wine, look behind my dolls. Andre I also need you to make room in the fridge, I am going to be using the stomach meat and some of the chest but Benjamin's too big to eat today and we're going to want him to keep. There are some Popsicles in the freezer that can be thrown out to make room.

At some point during this rant everyone has stopped working and are all just staring at Jeremy.

CONRAD

Those are my Popsicles and no you can't throw them out.

ANDRE

And we're not eating Benjamin. Are you serious?

 

JEREMY

What?

GORDON

We not actually eating Benjamin.

JEREMY

Why?

BENJAMIN

BECAUSE YOU DON'T EAT PEOPLE!

JEREMY

Arrrggg...you guys were the one's talking about it.

GORDON

Yeah, talking about it. Not actually doing it.

JEREMY

I already made all this food though.

CONRAD

Well we have steak in the fridge, we can still make a nice stew.

JEREMY

(dejected) 

You guys made him sound so good.

BENJAMIN

Well...sorry?

JEREMY

Yeah.

Andre and Conrad go back to chopping the vegetables, Andre takes the steaks out of the fridge.

JEREMY

Conrad pass me that knife so I can de-bone this steak.

Conrad passes Jeremy the knife. 

JEREMY

Steak is probably just as good. Benjamin probably wouldn't have even been that...DELICIOUS!

Jeremy springs forward towards Benjamin, knife held overhead. The final shot is a jarring, loud cut of Jeremy trying desperately to eat Benjamin while the group scrambles to hold him back, screaming for him not to eat Benjamin. Cut to black.

-END-

 

UTURN - I Rewrote 'House Arrested: The Dick Pic' - This Post My Offend

I rewrote this Dick Pic comedy script almost completely. You can scroll down to past entries to see where it started from and compare it to this version, it'll give you an idea of how drastically different early drafts of scripts are from final drafts.

The best part about being finished this is that I don't have to write the term "dick pic" anymore, the worst part is that I'll probably see a drop in views now that I am not saying the term "dick pic" anymore. Look over to the right of this column to see the most popular posts I've put up...do you see how high that other "dick pic" post is on that list? I'd say 90% of the people who found that post using a search engine did NOT find what they were looking for.

Here's my final script. 

House Arrested: The show that takes place in a house where all the tenants are sociopathic criminals under house arrest being watched over by the stern Officer Karp.

 

SCENE 1 - INT - KITCHEN TABLE

An officer is sitting at a kitchen table with 5 men, all of them have on blinking ankle monitors. Andre (a large black man), Conrad (Caucasian tall, tattooed), Gordon (Caucasian, glasses), Benjamin (Caucasian, typical nice guy next door look) and Jeremy (creepy, weird).

OFFICER KARP

Which one of you perverts posted a picture of your dick in an adult chatroom yesterday?

No one speaks up.

OFFICER KARP

It's a violation of your parole, I am within my authority to have that person removed from this house and placed back into the provincial prison system. Somebody better step forward and save me an investigation. Benjamin?

BENJAMIN
(genuinely shocked)

What, I am your first suspect in a dick pic scandal?

OFFICER KARP

Your account is the only one I saw logged onto the house computer last night.

BENJAMIN

I barely even used the computer, everyone kept stealing it. Conrad and Gordon stole it every time I went to the washroom and when I went to make myself a sandwich Andre sat down and started watching a movie on it.

ANDRE
Don't snitch.

BENJAMIN
You watched Braveheart Andre, it was 3 hours long. I was talking to my family.

OFFICER KARP
Where was Jeremy while all this was going on?

BENJAMIN
I don't know. He was skulking around sort of. In the background. I really try to keep as far from him as I can.

Jeremy doesn't react much, something is off in the way he stares at Benjamin. He doesn't say anything.

OFFICER KARP

Conrad, do you have any idea where this picture might have come from?

Conrad is seated to the left of the frame, Andre is seated to the right of him followed by Benjamin and Jeremy. Andre is large in the frame, there's something off about Jeremy; there always is.

CONRAD

No but if the dick's black I can probably guess who's it is.

ANDRE

I know; right? It's not me, if it was me he'd know it was me and we wouldn't be having this meeting.

OFFICER KARP

Andre you can be excused from this meeting.

ANDRE

No I want to find out who did it.

GORDON

Why don't you let me see the picture and I'll tell you who's it is?

CONRAD

What the fuck Gordon?

ANDRE

How do you know what our dicks look like?

GORDON

It can't be that hard to tell our dicks apart. I feel like if I had to I could match a dick to it's face.

BENJAMIN

This conversation's getting a bit weird fellas.

OFFICER KARP

For the sake of the individual's privacy I won't be showing any of you the picture in question. Jeremy you're being awfully quiet.

CONRAD

Don't ruin that.

ANDRE

Don't get Jeremy talking, we don't need him for this.

OFFICER KARP

Jeremy?

Jeremy stands up and pulls his pants down, exposing himself. 

OFFICER KARP

Jesus Jeremy, pull your pants up.

CONRAD

Stop involving him in things.

GORDON

His looked EXACTLY how I thought it would.

OFFICER KARP

Well like it or not unless someone steps forward you're all going to have to drop your pants. Except for Andre and Jeremy.

BENJAMIN
So what; now Jeremy's out too?

OFFICER KARP
Jeremy's penis didn't match the one in the photograph. The picture has to belong to one of you three.

Andre laughs, he's enjoying this.

BENJAMIN

This is a witch hunt!

GORDON
What if I just tell you what my penis looks like, will that help clear my name?
I am about 7 inches long...

CONRAD
Bullshit!

ANDRE
There's no way you're walking around with anything over 6 inches.

GORDON
Why; because I am white?

ANDRE

YES!

BENJAMIN

Well I am about seven inches.

CONRAD

No you're not. Every guy says he's 7 inches if you ask him but do you know how many guys actually are?
Only like a third of all guys.

BENJAMIN

And what are you?

CONRAD

7 inches. That's how I know you two are lying.

ANDRE

(laughing)
All of you are lying.

OFFICER KARP

Andre I don't know why you're laughing like this doesn't effect you. Because of one of these three idiots this house is about to lose online access.

The group is stunned to silence.

GORDON

(in his best Martin Lawrence voice)

Shit just got real.

ANDRE

What was that?

GORDON

No one gets that reference?

Wide shot of everyone. No one gets that reference, Gordon looks crushed.

CONRAD

This is bullshit!

OFFICER KARP

That's what happens when you go showing off your dick on the web Conrad.

CONRAD

I've never shown my dick on the web.

Officer Karp shoots him a look of pure skepticism.

CONRAD

I've never shown my dick on the web using THAT computer.

ANDRE

Why are my rights being taken away because one of those three can't keep his pants on?

OFFICER KARP

Because no one gives a crap about your rights, you're a degenerate in a house full of degenerates. We're not going to trust online access to a house full of perverts.

GORDON

We're perverts? You're trying to get us to pull down our pants!

CONRAD

Yeah; what are you saying here exactly? We all have to pull down our pants and let you leer at us or you'll take away our internet?

OFFICER KARP

LEER AT YOU? I'll be taking a simple photograph of each of you...

GORDON

So you can touch yourself to them later.

OFFICE KARP

SO I can COMPARE those pictures to the one posted illegally on the adult chat room last night.

GORDON

Uh-huh, and you'll be doing this in the shower?

OFFICER KARP

I don't think I like what you're accusing me of Gordon.

GORDON

What I am accusing YOU of? You're accusing me of showing off my dick and then to prove that I didn't do it you're telling me I have to show YOU my dick.

JEREMY

I showed you my dick.

BENJAMIN
Shut up about that. I can't get that image out of my head. 

CONRAD

Stupid sexy Flanders?

ANDRE and BENJAMIN laugh.

BENJAMIN

Yeah.

GORDON

(bitterly)

what, his references you get?

 OFFICER KARP

You're not going to make this easy are you?

BENJAMIN
No.


OFFICER KARP
Fine. If the person who put pictures of his dick on the internet doesn't come clean right now then I am walking out that door and this case is over. I am telling them to take away your internet for good.
1...
2...
3...

ANDRE
Conrad stop being a dick! Just admit you did it.

CONRAD
I didn't!

OFFICER KARP
4...

GORDON
Everyone knows it was you. Stop being so selfish.

CONRAD
F**k you!

OFFICER KARP
5...

BENJAMIN
Look, I'll let you use my computer time if you just admit you did it.

OFFICER KARP
6...

CONRAD
It wasn't me. I wouldn't go showing off on the internet.

OFFICER KARP
7...

Everyone looks very skeptical of that claim.

OFFICER KARP

8...

GORDON

You have shirtless pictures on your facebook.

OFFICER KARP

9...

CONRAD

I don't have dick pictures on my facebook.

 OFFICER KARP

(frustrated)

THAT'S IT!! Either someone admit to it RIGHT NOW, or pull their pants down RIGHT NOW or none of you will ever go online again. I am seriou...oh god!

The camera pans back around to Jeremy standing again with his penis exposed. Everyone groans and covers their eyes. 

BENJAMIN

(hiding his eyes)

Why can't we just say it was Jeremy? I really don't think he'd care.

ANDRE

Jeremy's already crazy, he won't even get in trouble. Besides if anyone should serve additional time it's him. We need to keep him off the streets. 

 GORDON

Yeah, and if you don't want to go along with this I could always just tell your boss that you tried to trick us into taking our clothes off...like we're Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies.

 ...with Arnold Schwarzenegger?
...He tricks her into stripping for him?
...It was a huge blockbuster!

BENJAMIN

I've never heard of it.

GORDON

FUCK you Benjamin!

Jeremy's bare ass is in the foreground, in the background Officer Karp is mulling it over. 

OFFICER KARP

 and you'd be willing to do this Jeremy?

JEREMY

I'd want something in return.

There's a look of concern on Officer Karp's face. 

INT - KITCHEN TABLE/HALLWAY

Something is going on in the hallway, Andre, Gordon, Conrad and Benjamin can't believe what their seeing. They can't believe he's doing it. 

In the hallway Officer Karp has pulled down his pants, Jeremy is about 5 feet away. His face twist in disapproval to what he's seeing.

JEREMY

That's gross.

OFFICER KARP
Then why did you ask me to do it?

JEREMY
So we'd be even.

A flash goes off, Karp doesn't notice.

OFFICER KARP
(pulling up his pants)

Well we're even! Is everyone happy? 

CONRAD

Not really, no.

Gordon is holding his phone, he has a twisted smile as he's looking at it. He's clearly the one who took the picture of Karp just now.

Officer Karp is completely defeated, he gets Jeremy to sign some papers and leaves. The group is left sitting there, jaws agape, in disbelief of how this all played out.

CONRAD
I dodged a BULLET on this one.

Everyone reacts.

EVERYONE

I knew it! You asshole! You're such a dick! F**k you Conrad!

-END-

I am going to continue writing a few more of these House Arrested scripts in the hope of actually getting them filmed. Kind of a long term project.

Next time: A gang of sociopaths and criminals have to catch a tiny mouse.