Chocolate Chip Spider

Here's a script I wrote a while ago about three roommates trying to decide if a something is a spider or a chocolate chip.

Script - the Spider
 
Scene: RICK is sitting on the couch shouting to CHRIS who has locked himself in the other room.

RICK
Ok, it’s probably gone now

CHRIS
Did you see it leave? Why didn’t you kill it?

RICK
I never kill spiders

CHRIS
Well from now on I want you to ALWAYS kill spiders

RICK
I don’t know why you’re so scared of a little thing like that, it’s not like we have tarantulas here.

CHRIS
I am not scared of spiders, I just hate them. They make me so mad I scream.

RICK
And run away, and hide.

CHRIS
I go to my room to cool off because I am mad, I HATE that spider

RICK
What spider? I don’t even see anything

CHRIS COMES STORMING OUT OF HIS ROOM

CHRIS
It’s right THERE

CHRIS POINTS TO A BLACK SPOT ON THE TABLE, CHRIS KEEPS A SAFE DISTANCE FROM THE MYSTERY SPOT

RICK
That’s a chocolate chip


CHRIS
That’s a spider, I can see it’s legs

RICK
Those are hairs, or mold or something. HAROLD YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE CLEANING THIS PLACE!

HAROLD APPEARS

HAROLD
I was just in the other room reading

CHRIS
You’re a liar. HAROLD I want to you to do a complete sweep of this house for spiders.

RICK
And I want you to clean up this chocolate chip and tell me if it’s a spider.

HAROLD GOES OVER TO THE DARK SPOT AND PICKS IT UP AND PUTS IT IN HIS MOUTH ALL IN ONE MOTION

CHRIS
You’re a pig, you’re a disgusting pig….well tell us what it was you pig. Was it a spider or a chocolate chip?

HAROLD
Kind hard to tell (HAROLD is wearing a face on him that almost looks like he just bit into a lemon, tears and all). How is a spider supposed to taste?

RICK
Not chocolaty

HAROLD
Probably a spider then

 

-APE-

Cats or Komodo Dragons - Which Is The Better Housepet

CONT'D...

Previously

INT-Kitchen

Andre comes running into the kitchen.

ANDRE

Call the exterminator!

JEREMY

We don't need an exterminator for one mouse; just put some cheese down for it and it'll leave you alone.

ANDRE

What do you mean "leave me alone"?

JEREMY

I'll take care of it. I'll just leave some cheese out tonight.

ANDRE

And?

JEREMY

And he won't bother us. He just wants cheese.

ANDRE

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

GORDON

Jeremy do you think we're worried that we won't be able to like...live harmoniously with the mouse? 

JEREMY

Well we can just give him the cheese, then he gets what he wants and leaves.

GORDON

That's not how a mouse thinks!

JEREMY

He thinks about cheese. He's just trying to get our cheese, if we give him our cheese he'll think "I have all their cheese, now I can leave"

GORDON

No! He thinks "Oh boy! There's a lot of cheese in this house, I'll live here forever and start a family."

JEREMY

Well we'll find out. 

CONRAD

Benjamin confiscate the cheese.

BENJAMIN

I am on it.

Benjamin goes into the fridge and takes out the house's cheese, it's a large block of cheese. Benjamin guards it.

ANDRE

Don't feed rodents Jeremy, otherwise they never leave.

BENJAMIN

This is why I think we should have asked for a cat.

JEREMY

What would a cat do?

BENJAMIN

Uhhh...cats eat mice.

JEREMY
Cats don't care about mice.

BENJAMIN
Cats HATE mice!

JEREMY
I don't think so.

ANDRE
Cat's kill mice Jeremy. Everyone knows that.

CONRAD
You didn't watch cartoons growing up?

JEREMY
There was never any cartoon about mice...and cats.

GORDON
Oh my god!
Tom and Jerry
Itchy and Scratchy
So many others...

 JEREMY
Yeah but you never see them fighting. 

GORDON
THAT'S ALL THEY DO!

ANDRE
CATS ALWAYS GO AFTER MICE!

JEREMY
I don't think so.

GORDON
ARRRRRRRGGG!!!

JEREMY
Why do you care?

GORDON
It's ANNOYING. It's annoying that you don't know this. Babies know this.

ANDRE
Alright. Enough, we're getting a cat.

JEREMY
Why don't we just get a lizard?

GORDON
(loudly)
Because it's a lizard!

JEREMY
 We can get one that bites mice with poison though, cats don't have poison when they bite.

CONRAD
Ok lets vote on it. How many people think we should get a cat?

Everyone except Jeremy raises their hand

CONRAD

How many people think we should unleash a poisonous lizard in this house to run around and bite us with venom when we reach for the remote?

Jeremy raises his hand

CONRAD

and that's how we got a cat.

INT - LIVING ROOM

They have a cat.

-END-

Well that was stupid.