Chocolate Chip Spider

Here's a script I wrote a while ago about three roommates trying to decide if a something is a spider or a chocolate chip.

Script - the Spider
 
Scene: RICK is sitting on the couch shouting to CHRIS who has locked himself in the other room.

RICK
Ok, it’s probably gone now

CHRIS
Did you see it leave? Why didn’t you kill it?

RICK
I never kill spiders

CHRIS
Well from now on I want you to ALWAYS kill spiders

RICK
I don’t know why you’re so scared of a little thing like that, it’s not like we have tarantulas here.

CHRIS
I am not scared of spiders, I just hate them. They make me so mad I scream.

RICK
And run away, and hide.

CHRIS
I go to my room to cool off because I am mad, I HATE that spider

RICK
What spider? I don’t even see anything

CHRIS COMES STORMING OUT OF HIS ROOM

CHRIS
It’s right THERE

CHRIS POINTS TO A BLACK SPOT ON THE TABLE, CHRIS KEEPS A SAFE DISTANCE FROM THE MYSTERY SPOT

RICK
That’s a chocolate chip


CHRIS
That’s a spider, I can see it’s legs

RICK
Those are hairs, or mold or something. HAROLD YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE CLEANING THIS PLACE!

HAROLD APPEARS

HAROLD
I was just in the other room reading

CHRIS
You’re a liar. HAROLD I want to you to do a complete sweep of this house for spiders.

RICK
And I want you to clean up this chocolate chip and tell me if it’s a spider.

HAROLD GOES OVER TO THE DARK SPOT AND PICKS IT UP AND PUTS IT IN HIS MOUTH ALL IN ONE MOTION

CHRIS
You’re a pig, you’re a disgusting pig….well tell us what it was you pig. Was it a spider or a chocolate chip?

HAROLD
Kind hard to tell (HAROLD is wearing a face on him that almost looks like he just bit into a lemon, tears and all). How is a spider supposed to taste?

RICK
Not chocolaty

HAROLD
Probably a spider then

 

-APE-

This Is Real. I Did This and Not To Be Funny.

Is a single man with little long term relationship experience qualified to write a romantic comedy about falling in love? Yes and you can consider this my resume.

 and last impression.

Consider that a free taste.

Romantic Comedies. Why I Hate Them And Why I Am Going To Write One.

At exactly what point did Hollywood decide that all characters in romantic comedies should live like the Rich Kids of Instagram? Super trendy, young professionals with lavish lifestyles and lots of free time. Y'know the rest of us go on dates too don't you Hollywood? The average person. I know you like to tell us that we love the fantasy that you present, we're supposed to get lost in the escape of it all. When I see Anna Faris and Chris Evans playing a game of strip H.O.R.S.E in the middle of Madison Square Garden I am supposed to giggle about what a cute, sexy date that would be rather than sneer at the TV screen for showing me something so stupid.

...I'll forgive it this time.

MSG's kind of an important arena, they don't just leave it unattended, and a bouncing basketball in an empty arena is pretty damn loud. Did they pay off security to look the other way? Do they have the kind of clout where they can just walk onto the most famous court in the world and drop their pants? I am telling you right now I can't do that. No arena in the world will let me take girls onto their courts to mess around with, they make that very clear by how many people they employ to keep me out.

I rage watch all romantic comedies, they really bother me. Of all the one's I've seen I think 'Friends With Benefits' did the most damage to my coffee table. Justin Timberlake played a 25 year old guy who started up his own very successful media company who's being recruited by a huge firm that wants to hand him the keys to their media division and a six figure salary. Justin's always being told how talented he is throughout the whole movie, frequently by Mila Kunis. His f**k buddy. She's not the trampy kind of f**k buddy either, she's a beautiful 23 year old executive assistant in charge of talent aquisition who makes her own schedule and has 24 hour access to the company limo and all the city's most exclusive clubs. Just like you and me. You know what's really annoying? It's never enough for this guy. He's never happy. He's always conflicted about his beautiful life full of riches, admiration, success and casual sex.

shut the f**k up, crybaby. 

Enough is enough, I can do better than that. I can write a romantic comedy that doesn't need eye popping first dates to get my love story across. I'll write about how real people actually date and fall in love. I've been feeling pent up lately, badly looking for a new project to start writing and this idea will finally let me tackle my first full length script so I am going all in on this. I intend to write a romantic comedy script, posting my progress on my blog with frequent updates. That's what I am going to be working on for a while. My characters won't have long tearful monologues about their feelings because that almost never happens in real life, they'll actually have regular jobs and regular boring lives. They'll have to fall in love because of how they click as people without the cheat of being impossibly beautiful and successful. The friends of the male character won't be a mix of playboys who want to keep him single and married guys who try to sell him on the beauty of relationships. The female characters won't just stand around waiting to be swept off their feet and they won't be fiercely independent to the point where it just comes across as snotty and annoying.

I've written a script about prisoners under house arrest being investigated for posting d**k pics online.

A show where a bunch of government employed ghostbusters take on ghosts, vampires and zombies.

A bloody, violent superhero short.

And a lost at sea horror about a girl alone, adrift at sea being stalked by an underwater monster.

A sweet, funny romantic comedy is the next logical step for me. 

-APE-   

Thomas actually did try writing some relationshipy dialogue a couple times before:

http://apeday.blogspot.ca/2013/04/lets-try-writing-some-relationshipy.html

http://apeday.blogspot.ca/2013/05/toms-still-writing-romantic-comedy.html

Did I mention I was Canadian?

The Biggest Hater In The World

I came up with a written short series that costs nothing to shoot. It's made to look like one friend just pulled out his phone and started filming his other friend to show the world what a huge hater he is. It's meant to be the absolute cheapest, simplest, low maintenance, funny internet series I can possibly think of. Each episode would be a dissection of why this guy hates on different things.

Andre is pointing an iphone at Conrad. Conrad is on camera.

ANDRE
(voice off camera)

Yo. This is my friend Conrad, he's the biggest hater in the world. 

Conrad pulls out his phone and starts filming back at Andre

 ANDRE
Why are you filming this?

Cut to a shot from Conrad's perspective, Andre on camera.

CONRAD
(off camera)

For legal reasons. I don't trust you. I want my own copy of what's going on here.

ANDRE

(speaking to the audience)

 See what I am saying? Watch this.

Conrad, why do you hate my friend Rondell?

Andre's perspective.

CONRAD

Who's Rondell?

ANDRE

(off camera)

You met him a few times. He was at my house when you came over to watch the Raptors game.

CONRAD

I honestly don't know who Rondell is.

ANDRE

(off camera)

You told me you don't like him because of his jeans.

CONRAD

Oh that guy. Yeah. I don't like him. So?

ANDRE

(off camera)

You said it was because he wore those faded jeans.

CONRAD

It wasn't JUST those jeans.

He wore other jeans that pissed me off, he wore those jeans with the big red patches that other time.

Conrad's perspective.

ANDRE

So?

CONRAD

( off camera)

Why does he do that?

ANDRE

That's just his style, that's what he likes. 

CONRAD

(off camera)

Who needs to spice up their jeans that much? I don't like it.

ANDRE

You're the fashion police? If someone doesn't dress how you like then you hate them?

CONRAD

(off camera)

It's not only about his jeans. He did other stuff.

ANDRE

Like what?

CONRAD

He kept asking if he could have my Oh Henry bar.

ANDRE

(laughs)

Oh yeah.

Andre's perspective.

CONRAD

Remember that? I met up with you guys after the gym. I had an Oh Henry and he kept asking if he could have it.

ANDRE

(off camera)

I remember that. He only asked you twice though.

CONRAD

Why would he even ask me once? Obviously I bought it because I wanted it.

ANDRE

(off camera)

Yeah that was weird, you still don't hate someone over that though.

CONRAD

What kind of dick asks you for your chocolate bar?
I told him the first time "uhhhh no. I bought this for myself" and he still asked me again later.

ANDRE

(off camera)

And that's it, now you hate him?

CONRAD

The chocolate bar thing really did it.

Conrad's perspective.

ANDRE

Wow.

So now you legitimately hate this guy?

CONRAD

 With good reason. 

ANDRE

Because you don't like his jeans and because he asked you if he could have your chocolate bar.

CONRAD

(off camera)

A couple times he asked. It's not like I had a whole bunch of chocolate bars either, I had ONE in my hand. Screw him.

Andre's perspective, we end with the shot of Conrad with Andre's voice over.

ANDRE

That's my friend Conrad, biggest hater in the world. 

-END-

So each episode would be a discussion on why Conrad hates something, Conrad hates everything and everyone due to the smallest of infractions. 

I shall call this 'Jackie Chan Facing', it is the most important thing that I've ever done.

Cats or Komodo Dragons - Which Is The Better Housepet

CONT'D...

Previously

INT-Kitchen

Andre comes running into the kitchen.

ANDRE

Call the exterminator!

JEREMY

We don't need an exterminator for one mouse; just put some cheese down for it and it'll leave you alone.

ANDRE

What do you mean "leave me alone"?

JEREMY

I'll take care of it. I'll just leave some cheese out tonight.

ANDRE

And?

JEREMY

And he won't bother us. He just wants cheese.

ANDRE

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

GORDON

Jeremy do you think we're worried that we won't be able to like...live harmoniously with the mouse? 

JEREMY

Well we can just give him the cheese, then he gets what he wants and leaves.

GORDON

That's not how a mouse thinks!

JEREMY

He thinks about cheese. He's just trying to get our cheese, if we give him our cheese he'll think "I have all their cheese, now I can leave"

GORDON

No! He thinks "Oh boy! There's a lot of cheese in this house, I'll live here forever and start a family."

JEREMY

Well we'll find out. 

CONRAD

Benjamin confiscate the cheese.

BENJAMIN

I am on it.

Benjamin goes into the fridge and takes out the house's cheese, it's a large block of cheese. Benjamin guards it.

ANDRE

Don't feed rodents Jeremy, otherwise they never leave.

BENJAMIN

This is why I think we should have asked for a cat.

JEREMY

What would a cat do?

BENJAMIN

Uhhh...cats eat mice.

JEREMY
Cats don't care about mice.

BENJAMIN
Cats HATE mice!

JEREMY
I don't think so.

ANDRE
Cat's kill mice Jeremy. Everyone knows that.

CONRAD
You didn't watch cartoons growing up?

JEREMY
There was never any cartoon about mice...and cats.

GORDON
Oh my god!
Tom and Jerry
Itchy and Scratchy
So many others...

 JEREMY
Yeah but you never see them fighting. 

GORDON
THAT'S ALL THEY DO!

ANDRE
CATS ALWAYS GO AFTER MICE!

JEREMY
I don't think so.

GORDON
ARRRRRRRGGG!!!

JEREMY
Why do you care?

GORDON
It's ANNOYING. It's annoying that you don't know this. Babies know this.

ANDRE
Alright. Enough, we're getting a cat.

JEREMY
Why don't we just get a lizard?

GORDON
(loudly)
Because it's a lizard!

JEREMY
 We can get one that bites mice with poison though, cats don't have poison when they bite.

CONRAD
Ok lets vote on it. How many people think we should get a cat?

Everyone except Jeremy raises their hand

CONRAD

How many people think we should unleash a poisonous lizard in this house to run around and bite us with venom when we reach for the remote?

Jeremy raises his hand

CONRAD

and that's how we got a cat.

INT - LIVING ROOM

They have a cat.

-END-

Well that was stupid.