The best part about being finished this is that I don't have to write the term "dick pic" anymore, the worst part is that I'll probably see a drop in views now that I am not saying the term "dick pic" anymore. Look over to the right of this column to see the most popular posts I've put up...do you see how high that other "dick pic" post is on that list? I'd say 90% of the people who found that post using a search engine did NOT find what they were looking for.
Here's my final script.
House Arrested: The show that takes place in a house where all the tenants are sociopathic criminals under house arrest being watched over by the stern Officer Karp.
SCENE
1 - INT - KITCHEN TABLE
An
officer is sitting at a kitchen table with 5 men, all of them have on
blinking ankle monitors. Andre (a large black man), Conrad (Caucasian
tall, tattooed), Gordon (Caucasian, glasses), Benjamin (Caucasian,
typical nice guy next door look) and Jeremy (creepy, weird).
OFFICER KARP
Which
one of you perverts posted a picture of your dick in an adult
chatroom yesterday?
No
one speaks up.
OFFICER
KARP
It's
a violation of your parole, I am within my authority to have that
person removed from this house and placed back into the provincial
prison system. Somebody better step forward and save me an
investigation. Benjamin?
BENJAMIN
(genuinely shocked)
BENJAMIN
(genuinely shocked)
What,
I am your first suspect in a dick pic scandal?
OFFICER
KARP
Your
account is the only one I saw logged onto the house computer last
night.
BENJAMIN
I
barely even used the computer, everyone kept stealing it. Conrad and
Gordon stole it every time I went to the washroom and when I went to
make myself a sandwich Andre sat down and started watching a movie on
it.
ANDRE
Don't snitch.
BENJAMIN
You watched Braveheart Andre, it was 3 hours long. I was talking to my family.
OFFICER KARP
Where was Jeremy while all this was going on?
BENJAMIN
I don't know. He was skulking around sort of. In the background. I really try to keep as far from him as I can.
Jeremy
doesn't react much, something is off in the way he stares at
Benjamin. He doesn't say anything.
OFFICER
KARP
Conrad,
do you have any idea where this picture might have come from?
Conrad
is seated to the left of the frame, Andre is seated to the right of
him followed by Benjamin and Jeremy. Andre is large in the frame,
there's something off about Jeremy; there always is.
CONRAD
No
but if the dick's black I can probably guess who's it is.
ANDRE
I
know; right? It's not me, if it was me he'd know it was me and we
wouldn't be having this meeting.
OFFICER
KARP
Andre
you can be excused from this meeting.
ANDRE
No
I want to find out who did it.
GORDON
GORDON
Why
don't you let me see the picture and I'll tell you who's it is?
CONRAD
What
the fuck Gordon?
ANDRE
How
do you know what our dicks look like?
GORDON
It
can't be that hard to tell our dicks apart. I feel like if I had to I
could match a dick to it's face.
BENJAMIN
This
conversation's getting a bit weird fellas.
OFFICER
KARP
For
the sake of the individual's privacy I won't be showing any of you
the picture in question. Jeremy you're being awfully quiet.
CONRAD
Don't
ruin that.
ANDRE
Don't
get Jeremy talking, we don't need him for this.
OFFICER
KARP
Jeremy?
Jeremy
stands up and pulls his pants down, exposing himself.
OFFICER
KARP
Jesus
Jeremy, pull your pants up.
CONRAD
Stop
involving him in things.
GORDON
His
looked EXACTLY how I thought it would.
OFFICER KARP
OFFICER KARP
Well
like it or not unless someone steps forward you're all going to have
to drop your pants. Except for Andre and Jeremy.
BENJAMIN
So what; now Jeremy's out too?
OFFICER KARP
Jeremy's penis didn't match the one in the photograph. The picture has to belong to one of you three.
BENJAMIN
So what; now Jeremy's out too?
OFFICER KARP
Jeremy's penis didn't match the one in the photograph. The picture has to belong to one of you three.
Andre
laughs, he's enjoying this.
BENJAMIN
This
is a witch hunt!
GORDON
What if I just tell you what my penis looks like, will that help clear my name?
I am about 7 inches long...
CONRAD
Bullshit!
ANDRE
There's no way you're walking around with anything over 6 inches.
GORDON
Why; because I am white?
ANDRE
YES!
BENJAMIN
Well
I am about seven inches.
CONRAD
No you're not. Every guy says he's 7 inches if you ask
him but do you know how many guys actually are?
Only like a third of all guys.
Only like a third of all guys.
BENJAMIN
And
what are you?
CONRAD
CONRAD
7
inches. That's how I know you two are lying.
ANDRE
(laughing)
All of you are lying.
OFFICER KARP
All of you are lying.
OFFICER KARP
Andre
I don't know why you're laughing like this doesn't effect you.
Because of one of these three idiots this house is about to lose
online access.
The
group is stunned to silence.
GORDON
(in
his best Martin Lawrence voice)
Shit
just got real.
ANDRE
What
was that?
GORDON
No
one gets that reference?
Wide
shot of everyone. No one gets that reference, Gordon looks crushed.
CONRAD
This
is bullshit!
OFFICER KARP
That's
what happens when you go showing off your dick on the web Conrad.
CONRAD
I've
never shown my dick on the web.
Officer
Karp shoots him a look of pure skepticism.
CONRAD
I've
never shown my dick on the web using THAT computer.
ANDRE
ANDRE
Why
are my rights being taken away because one of those three can't keep
his pants on?
OFFICER KARP
OFFICER KARP
Because
no one gives a crap about your rights, you're a degenerate in a house
full of degenerates. We're not going to trust online access to a
house full of perverts.
GORDON
We're
perverts? You're trying to get us to pull down our pants!
CONRAD
Yeah;
what are you saying here exactly? We all have to pull down our pants
and let you leer at us or you'll take away our internet?
OFFICER
KARP
LEER
AT YOU? I'll be taking a simple photograph of each of you...
GORDON
So
you can touch yourself to them later.
OFFICE
KARP
SO
I can COMPARE those pictures to the one posted illegally on the adult
chat room last night.
GORDON
Uh-huh,
and you'll be doing this in the shower?
OFFICER KARP
I don't think I like what you're accusing me of Gordon.
GORDON
What I am accusing YOU of? You're accusing me of showing off my dick and then to prove that I didn't do it you're telling me I have to show YOU my dick.
JEREMY
I showed you my dick.
BENJAMIN
Shut up about that. I can't get that image out of my head.
Shut up about that. I can't get that image out of my head.
CONRAD
Stupid sexy Flanders?
ANDRE and BENJAMIN laugh.
BENJAMIN
Yeah.
GORDON
(bitterly)
what, his references you get?
OFFICER KARP
You're not going to make this easy are you?
BENJAMIN
No.
OFFICER KARP
Fine. If the person who put pictures of his dick on the internet doesn't come clean right now then I am walking out that door and this case is over. I am telling them to take away your internet for good.
1...
2...
3...
ANDRE
Conrad stop being a dick! Just admit you did it.
CONRAD
I didn't!
OFFICER KARP
4...
GORDON
Everyone knows it was you. Stop being so selfish.
CONRAD
F**k you!
OFFICER KARP
5...
BENJAMIN
Look, I'll let you use my computer time if you just admit you did it.
OFFICER KARP
6...
CONRAD
It wasn't me. I wouldn't go showing off on the internet.
OFFICER KARP
7...
Everyone looks very skeptical of that claim.
OFFICER KARP
8...
GORDON
You have shirtless pictures on your facebook.
OFFICER KARP
9...
CONRAD
I don't have dick pictures on my facebook.
OFFICER KARP
(frustrated)
THAT'S IT!! Either someone admit to it RIGHT NOW, or pull their pants down RIGHT NOW or none of you will ever go online again. I am seriou...oh god!
CONRAD
The camera pans back around to Jeremy standing again with his penis exposed. Everyone groans and covers their eyes.
BENJAMIN
(hiding his eyes)
Why can't we just say it was Jeremy? I really don't think he'd care.
ANDRE
Jeremy's already crazy, he won't even get in trouble. Besides if anyone should serve additional time it's him. We need to keep him off the streets.
GORDON
Yeah, and if you don't want to go along with this I could always just tell your boss that you tried to trick us into taking our clothes off...like we're Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies.
...with Arnold Schwarzenegger?
...He tricks her into stripping for him?
...It was a huge blockbuster!
...He tricks her into stripping for him?
...It was a huge blockbuster!
BENJAMIN
I've never heard of it.
GORDON
FUCK you Benjamin!
Jeremy's bare ass is in the foreground, in the background Officer Karp is mulling it over.
OFFICER KARP
and you'd be willing to do this Jeremy?
JEREMY
I'd want something in return.
There's a look of concern on Officer Karp's face.
INT - KITCHEN TABLE/HALLWAY
Something is going on in the hallway, Andre, Gordon, Conrad and Benjamin can't believe what their seeing. They can't believe he's doing it.
In the hallway Officer Karp has pulled down his pants, Jeremy is about 5 feet away. His face twist in disapproval to what he's seeing.
JEREMY
That's gross.
OFFICER KARP
Then why did you ask me to do it?
JEREMY
So we'd be even.
OFFICER KARP
Then why did you ask me to do it?
JEREMY
So we'd be even.
A flash goes off, Karp doesn't notice.
OFFICER KARP
(pulling up his pants)
(pulling up his pants)
Well we're even! Is everyone happy?
CONRAD
Not really, no.
Gordon is holding his phone, he has a twisted smile as he's looking at it. He's clearly the one who took the picture of Karp just now.
Officer Karp is completely defeated, he gets Jeremy to sign some papers and leaves. The group is left sitting there, jaws agape, in disbelief of how this all played out.
CONRAD
I dodged a BULLET on this one.
I dodged a BULLET on this one.
Everyone reacts.
EVERYONE
I knew it! You asshole! You're such a dick! F**k you Conrad!
-END-
I am going to continue writing a few more of these House Arrested scripts in the hope of actually getting them filmed. Kind of a long term project.
Next time: A gang of sociopaths and criminals have to catch a tiny mouse.
Next time: A gang of sociopaths and criminals have to catch a tiny mouse.
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